Thoughts about marriage
05/08/14 05:11
It happens that I am working on three weddings at the same time right now. It is not unusual for us to be working on multiple weddings in this congregation. They tend to come in batches - we’ll have a season of weddings and then a period when we don’t have so many. It used to be that June was a big month for weddings, but these days that is not so much the case. This year August and September have more weddings than June. We don’t do all that many weddings each year. With three ministers, we each do a few, I think that the most I have ever officiated in a single year is 15 or 16 and there are plenty of years when the number is five or six. Still, if you consider the fact that I’ve been performing weddings for more than 35 years the number adds up. Over the years there have been marriages that were successful and those that ended in divorce. I guess the divorce rate of weddings at which I officiated is somewhere near that of the area where we live, but perhaps it is a little lower simply because people tend to be a bit more intentional about church weddings than those held in other venues. There’s probably more impulsiveness related to wedding chapels in Las Vegas than those in our church.
There have been a lot of changes in the weddings I perform over the years. Society is changing. Couples tend to wait quite a bit longer before marrying. The average age of first wedding has gone up dramatically over the span of my career. There are many couples who come to us for first marriages where one or both of the members of the couple has experienced a relationship that involved living together and the break up of that relationship before meeting the person they are marrying. These events are not recognized by the wider community as divorce, but they often leave pain and scars that can have an effect on future relationships.
The fascinating thing about the three weddings that are currently on my desk is the age of the couples. One couple is in their twenties, another in their forties and the third in their seventies. In each case it is a first marriage for one of the partners. It seems to me that each is an occasion for choosing my words carefully.
It is my custom to work from a complete manuscript at weddings and funerals. Although I leave my notes behind in much of the preaching that I do, weddings and funerals are once-in-a-lifetime occasions and every word that I speak is important. I want to make sure that I get the words right. Of course it isn’t the words I say that makes a couple married - it is the commitment that they make. Still, I would like to choose words that give expression to that commitment, encourages the couple to go deeper in their relationship and acknowledges the support community that is important in their ongoing life together. Sometimes it is important just to point out the unique community that the couple has gathered together. It is often the case that a couple marrying brings together folks who would not have otherwise met. The diversity of congregations that gather for weddings is pretty unique. Sometimes it is important for me to speak of the role of faith in a relationship. Common values and beliefs are critical to a successful marriage. Sometimes, when a couple is young - and most couples seem young to me these days, even if they are a decade or more older than I was when we were married - I will reflect on the joys of growing old together. It is, after all, one of the sweetest experiences of life. I think that it is often difficult for people who are young and beautiful and at the height of their intellectual powers to imagine the day when the face begins to wrinkle, the chest begins to sag, the pace begins to slow and the mind has a pace of its own. I’m not sure that it does much good to remind them that this will happen to all of us - even them - and that if they haven’t become a pair of old fools by that time, they will appreciate the beauty that deepens with age and the spiritual connection that doesn’t always demand words to to be expressed. It is, however, a common theme in weddings at which I officiate.
What I do know is that counting days is only one way of measuring time and that quality is more important than quantity. I have officiated at weddings where one member of the couple had a progressive illness and the prognosis of a short lifespan. In one case one of the partners died before a year had passed. Of course that could happen to any couple - we can’t predict accidents and illnesses. None of us can see the future. But we are not fools. We know that the couple in their seventies are unlikely to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
Our people have known for many generations the power of promises that are kept. Covenants form the foundation of our faith. God’s’ simple promise to our forebears made all the difference for our people; “I will be your God and you will be my people.”
i’m aware that each of these ceremonies is a holy moment - a time from which God will bring forth futures. Each is unique and deserving of time and thoughtfulness. And yet there is also a common thread. Much hinges on the question, “Will you have ____ to be your wife/husband, and will you love her/him faithfully for as long as you both shall live?
I know that question and its answer have made all the difference in my life.
The keys to the land of freedom lie in our ability to make lasting commitments.
There have been a lot of changes in the weddings I perform over the years. Society is changing. Couples tend to wait quite a bit longer before marrying. The average age of first wedding has gone up dramatically over the span of my career. There are many couples who come to us for first marriages where one or both of the members of the couple has experienced a relationship that involved living together and the break up of that relationship before meeting the person they are marrying. These events are not recognized by the wider community as divorce, but they often leave pain and scars that can have an effect on future relationships.
The fascinating thing about the three weddings that are currently on my desk is the age of the couples. One couple is in their twenties, another in their forties and the third in their seventies. In each case it is a first marriage for one of the partners. It seems to me that each is an occasion for choosing my words carefully.
It is my custom to work from a complete manuscript at weddings and funerals. Although I leave my notes behind in much of the preaching that I do, weddings and funerals are once-in-a-lifetime occasions and every word that I speak is important. I want to make sure that I get the words right. Of course it isn’t the words I say that makes a couple married - it is the commitment that they make. Still, I would like to choose words that give expression to that commitment, encourages the couple to go deeper in their relationship and acknowledges the support community that is important in their ongoing life together. Sometimes it is important just to point out the unique community that the couple has gathered together. It is often the case that a couple marrying brings together folks who would not have otherwise met. The diversity of congregations that gather for weddings is pretty unique. Sometimes it is important for me to speak of the role of faith in a relationship. Common values and beliefs are critical to a successful marriage. Sometimes, when a couple is young - and most couples seem young to me these days, even if they are a decade or more older than I was when we were married - I will reflect on the joys of growing old together. It is, after all, one of the sweetest experiences of life. I think that it is often difficult for people who are young and beautiful and at the height of their intellectual powers to imagine the day when the face begins to wrinkle, the chest begins to sag, the pace begins to slow and the mind has a pace of its own. I’m not sure that it does much good to remind them that this will happen to all of us - even them - and that if they haven’t become a pair of old fools by that time, they will appreciate the beauty that deepens with age and the spiritual connection that doesn’t always demand words to to be expressed. It is, however, a common theme in weddings at which I officiate.
What I do know is that counting days is only one way of measuring time and that quality is more important than quantity. I have officiated at weddings where one member of the couple had a progressive illness and the prognosis of a short lifespan. In one case one of the partners died before a year had passed. Of course that could happen to any couple - we can’t predict accidents and illnesses. None of us can see the future. But we are not fools. We know that the couple in their seventies are unlikely to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.
Our people have known for many generations the power of promises that are kept. Covenants form the foundation of our faith. God’s’ simple promise to our forebears made all the difference for our people; “I will be your God and you will be my people.”
i’m aware that each of these ceremonies is a holy moment - a time from which God will bring forth futures. Each is unique and deserving of time and thoughtfulness. And yet there is also a common thread. Much hinges on the question, “Will you have ____ to be your wife/husband, and will you love her/him faithfully for as long as you both shall live?
I know that question and its answer have made all the difference in my life.
The keys to the land of freedom lie in our ability to make lasting commitments.