Beyond fairy tales
18/12/14 05:20
There are far too many stories in the world for one person to tell. As a storyteller, i have specialized in one particular genre: the stories of the Christian bible. In that corner of literature and tradition, blended and reconfigured families get mixed reports. In the story of Ruth and Naomi, for example, the two widows stick together despite the social conventions that would have Ruth return to her family and Naomi to hers. Ruth is so devoted to her mother-in-law that she is willing to do whatever it takes to defend her, including an arranged affair with a kinsman that results in a child given to Naomi to reestablish her rights to property and support in her old age. The story proves to be crucial in the overall narrative because the child appears in the genealogies of Jesus. Were Ruth to have returned to her own people instead of sticking with Naomi, the child isn’t born, the lineage is broken and there is no baby Jesus born generations later.
Things aren’t so gentle in the reconfiguration of David’s family in the wake of his torrid affair with Bathsheba. After forcing himself upon the beautiful woman he sees at first from afar, David plots the death of her husband to cover up the affair. The result is anguish and tragedy and the death of an innocent infant.
In general, Biblical stories acknowledge the reconfiguration of families new futures are born of the mixed up relationships that we humans forge. Even the story of David and Bathsheba results in yet another glorious king for Israel. Solomon’s feats include the construction of the first temple at Jerusalem and the consolidation of the wealth, power, and influence of the monarchy.
Reconfigured families don’t get as good a play in fairy tales. My knowledge of the classic fairy tales is limited, but it certainly seems as if there are no stepmothers in the tales of the Grimm brothers who are not evil.
Rapunzel is given to an evil witch to save her father from an unknown fate. The witch proves to be a poor mother and Rapunzel ends up locked in a tower.
Cinderella’s evil stepmother comes with two evil stepsisters and it appears at first as if Cinderella’s life will be one of near-slavery as the stepmother does everything in her power to marry one of the sisters to the prince and keep Cinderella from even becoming known by such a desirable suitor.
Hansel and Gretel’s stepmother tries everything in her power to get rid of here husband’s children, including arranging for them to be abandoned in the woods and left to their own fate in the wilds.
Snow White’s stepmother proves to be no special blessing to the young girl and her jealousy over the beauty of her step-daughter nearly results in the death of the girl.
In nearly every on of the tales of the Grimm Brothers, stepmothers are a reality of life. Mothers die, new mothers come into the picture, and the way that the stepmothers survive is to stop the advances of the children - at any cost, including the destruction of the children.
I’ve been thinking about stepmothers because this weekend I will officiate at the wedding of a reconfigured family. It is a common occurrence in our society and I am always pleased when couples come to the church to make sacred commitments on the occasion of their marriage. But not all marriages last a lifetime. And the church is not only in the business of enabling people to make enduring and lasting covenants, it is also in the business of conveying God’s forgiveness. And in our stories, as contrasted with those of secular society, there are many examples of good coming out of the reconfiguration of families.
Still, there are three adolescents who are gaining a stepmom this weekend, and one hopes their relationship with her turns out better than is the case with the fairy tales.
And the wedding in which I am involved is just one of 2.3 million weddings performed in the US each year. That breaks down to 6,200 weddings a day. One third of those getting married each year have been married before, which means the potential for a couple of thousand new stepmothers each day. Of course the real number is smaller than that because not every man who has previously been married is a father.
Still the business of making new stepmothers is a big business. Weddings comprise a $72 billion industry. The average wedding runs into the tens of thousands of dollars. Given the fact that I officiate at a lot of weddings, including the one this weekend, with budgets in the hundreds of dollars, not tens of thousands, there must be quite a few million dollar weddings to bring up the average. In general second and third marriages are smaller and less expensive than first marriages.
But, since in our society the leading scenario is divorce, not the death of a partner, and estimates of the cost of a divorce range from about $15,000 to $100,000. You get the picture. Reconfiguring families takes a pretty good slice out of the inheritance.
I can understand why children come to expect that stepmothers will be evil.
Real life, however, isn’t a fairy tale. Although stories inform and sometimes shape our understanding of the world, the reality is that each generation has the possibility of bringing new futures out of the events of their lives. I have been witness to some really good second marriages. I know of cases where stepmothers are among the best mothers imaginable. Great good is possible from people who take stock, start over, avoid the mistakes of the past and get on with their lives.
Perhaps, however, the characters in the fairy tales are too exaggerated to be meaningful in giving guidance to new stepmothers and stepfathers. It is too easy to say, “Well, at least I’m not as bad as the stepmother in Hansel and Gretel!”
In the biblical narrative, the reconfigured families that bring forth futures are ones in which the commitments are deep and lasting. That is why I work especially hard with couples in planning their marriages. And, just like the relationship between Ruth and Naomi, I spend a bit of extra time, checking in with the children to see whether or not they are ready to make commitments to the emerging family as well as the parents.
Even though many fairy tales end with the words, “happily ever after,” the children and adults of reconfiguring families deserve something better than fairy tale endings.
Things aren’t so gentle in the reconfiguration of David’s family in the wake of his torrid affair with Bathsheba. After forcing himself upon the beautiful woman he sees at first from afar, David plots the death of her husband to cover up the affair. The result is anguish and tragedy and the death of an innocent infant.
In general, Biblical stories acknowledge the reconfiguration of families new futures are born of the mixed up relationships that we humans forge. Even the story of David and Bathsheba results in yet another glorious king for Israel. Solomon’s feats include the construction of the first temple at Jerusalem and the consolidation of the wealth, power, and influence of the monarchy.
Reconfigured families don’t get as good a play in fairy tales. My knowledge of the classic fairy tales is limited, but it certainly seems as if there are no stepmothers in the tales of the Grimm brothers who are not evil.
Rapunzel is given to an evil witch to save her father from an unknown fate. The witch proves to be a poor mother and Rapunzel ends up locked in a tower.
Cinderella’s evil stepmother comes with two evil stepsisters and it appears at first as if Cinderella’s life will be one of near-slavery as the stepmother does everything in her power to marry one of the sisters to the prince and keep Cinderella from even becoming known by such a desirable suitor.
Hansel and Gretel’s stepmother tries everything in her power to get rid of here husband’s children, including arranging for them to be abandoned in the woods and left to their own fate in the wilds.
Snow White’s stepmother proves to be no special blessing to the young girl and her jealousy over the beauty of her step-daughter nearly results in the death of the girl.
In nearly every on of the tales of the Grimm Brothers, stepmothers are a reality of life. Mothers die, new mothers come into the picture, and the way that the stepmothers survive is to stop the advances of the children - at any cost, including the destruction of the children.
I’ve been thinking about stepmothers because this weekend I will officiate at the wedding of a reconfigured family. It is a common occurrence in our society and I am always pleased when couples come to the church to make sacred commitments on the occasion of their marriage. But not all marriages last a lifetime. And the church is not only in the business of enabling people to make enduring and lasting covenants, it is also in the business of conveying God’s forgiveness. And in our stories, as contrasted with those of secular society, there are many examples of good coming out of the reconfiguration of families.
Still, there are three adolescents who are gaining a stepmom this weekend, and one hopes their relationship with her turns out better than is the case with the fairy tales.
And the wedding in which I am involved is just one of 2.3 million weddings performed in the US each year. That breaks down to 6,200 weddings a day. One third of those getting married each year have been married before, which means the potential for a couple of thousand new stepmothers each day. Of course the real number is smaller than that because not every man who has previously been married is a father.
Still the business of making new stepmothers is a big business. Weddings comprise a $72 billion industry. The average wedding runs into the tens of thousands of dollars. Given the fact that I officiate at a lot of weddings, including the one this weekend, with budgets in the hundreds of dollars, not tens of thousands, there must be quite a few million dollar weddings to bring up the average. In general second and third marriages are smaller and less expensive than first marriages.
But, since in our society the leading scenario is divorce, not the death of a partner, and estimates of the cost of a divorce range from about $15,000 to $100,000. You get the picture. Reconfiguring families takes a pretty good slice out of the inheritance.
I can understand why children come to expect that stepmothers will be evil.
Real life, however, isn’t a fairy tale. Although stories inform and sometimes shape our understanding of the world, the reality is that each generation has the possibility of bringing new futures out of the events of their lives. I have been witness to some really good second marriages. I know of cases where stepmothers are among the best mothers imaginable. Great good is possible from people who take stock, start over, avoid the mistakes of the past and get on with their lives.
Perhaps, however, the characters in the fairy tales are too exaggerated to be meaningful in giving guidance to new stepmothers and stepfathers. It is too easy to say, “Well, at least I’m not as bad as the stepmother in Hansel and Gretel!”
In the biblical narrative, the reconfigured families that bring forth futures are ones in which the commitments are deep and lasting. That is why I work especially hard with couples in planning their marriages. And, just like the relationship between Ruth and Naomi, I spend a bit of extra time, checking in with the children to see whether or not they are ready to make commitments to the emerging family as well as the parents.
Even though many fairy tales end with the words, “happily ever after,” the children and adults of reconfiguring families deserve something better than fairy tale endings.