Bullies
13/11/14 05:12
When I was a kid, I was taught, as were many, that bullies were more talk than action and that the best way to deal with a bully is to stand up to the bully. If you do, the common wisdom went, the bully will back down and you won’t have a problem with the bullying again.
In reality it isn’t quite that simple. I was in the 4th or 5th grade when an attempt to stand up to a bully resulted in one quick jab to the bridge of my nose that left me on the ground with broken glasses and a nosebleed and the bully walking away unscathed. And it wasn’t long afterward that I learned that there were more subtle forms of bullying that didn’t involve physical intimidation, but were nonetheless significant attempts to control another person. In a small town school where everybody is known attempts at gaining and maintaining power often are accompanied by threats that usually don’t involve physical violence, but more often have to do with social status and one’s role in the community. There was a form of bullying around who did and who did not run for student council in my high school. There were side conversations that reproduced, on a very small scale, some of the maneuverings of the back rooms and hallways of government.
One of the problems with bullying in our culture is that some forms of bullying are actually encouraged. At least behaviors that are dangerously close to bullying are labeled as steps on the road to success. “Be assertive!” “Stand up for yourself!” There are plenty of messages that encourage aggressive behavior. Sometimes those who are the most aggressive are labeled as leaders and their behavior is seen as a way to get ahead in a competitive world.
Like the student council in a small town high school, most local churches are fairly small arenas of power. There isn’t a lot of power to be seized. Assuming leadership is often a case of being “a big fish in a small pond.” But there are plenty of bullies in the life of the church. Most members of the church are content with following the processes and working within the established structure and offices of the church. But there have been regular occurrences in the span of my career when an individual chooses to work outside of the normal channels and tries to exert power that is unearned and disproportionate to the commitment and investment that has been made.
Real leadership in the church is always shown in service, not in titles or offices held. Matthew’s report of Jesus sums it up accurately: “So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen.” Those who make ploys for power in the church often end up with very little power. The gospel has a way of reversing roles.
My friend Ben Anderson is a bit of an expert in bullying. Through his non-profit corporation, he does a lot of presentations in schools and other places on the topic of bullying. It is a topic Ben knows well. As a boy growing up in rural North Dakota with disabilities that affected both is walking and his speech, Ben often suffered the attempts of others to intimidate and control him. But he is a free spirit and a resilient person and he found ways to navigate the various maneuverings of his peers.
One of the stories that Ben tells is about a time, when he was an young adult and engaged in an “urban plunge” ministry through his church. After a brief period of orientation, volunteers were engaged in urban service ministries in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area. Ben, having grown up in small-town North Dakota didn’t have many “street smarts” or other urban skills, but he was committed to the service project. One day, after taking a walk, he was sitting in a park and was approached by three men who asked Ben for his money. Ben didn’t have any money with him and the bullies at first didn’t believe him. They tried to intimidate him and even followed him as he headed back to the place where he was staying. The experience shook Ben up, but after a conversation with the director of the program he decided to stick with the program. He also decided to be a bit more careful about going out into the city alone.
A few weeks later, Ben was serving at a public meal that was being offered to some of the city’s poorest residents. Among the people being served, Ben recognized the bullies who tried to rob him. They recognized Ben as well. Eventually Ben began to realize that bullying was a behavior and not the core identity of those men. And those men realized that Ben was more than an apparently weak target - he was a person who was trying to help. They offered an apology. Ben accepted.
Bullies can change. Having engaged in bullying behavior does not mean that one has to forever get one’s desires met by intimidation. Bullies can, through a process of love and care, learn other ways to behave.
That doesn’t mean that there are never times when you need to stand up to a bully. I can remember three distinct times in my life when, if not trembling on the outside, I was trembling on the inside as I took a stand and informed a bully that intimidation wasn’t going to be the way we made decisions in the church. In each case I was pretty clear in stating that their tactics wouldn’t work, but that they were welcome to continue to participate in the church and that I would expect them to exercise their participation through the established channels, boards and committees of the congregation. I was more or less successful in each occasion. In one case a pledge was withheld for at least a year. I don’t know if giving ceased as well, but suspect that it might have. In another case the person who had been bullying became a lot less involved in the congregation and eventually was rarely seen at that church.
I still have a lot to learn about bullies and how to help them change their behavior. And as I learn, I hope that I can see my own tendencies to use power in inappropriate ways and change my own behavior.
After all, we are immersed in an institution that is based on forgiveness. It is by God’s grace that we move into the future.
In reality it isn’t quite that simple. I was in the 4th or 5th grade when an attempt to stand up to a bully resulted in one quick jab to the bridge of my nose that left me on the ground with broken glasses and a nosebleed and the bully walking away unscathed. And it wasn’t long afterward that I learned that there were more subtle forms of bullying that didn’t involve physical intimidation, but were nonetheless significant attempts to control another person. In a small town school where everybody is known attempts at gaining and maintaining power often are accompanied by threats that usually don’t involve physical violence, but more often have to do with social status and one’s role in the community. There was a form of bullying around who did and who did not run for student council in my high school. There were side conversations that reproduced, on a very small scale, some of the maneuverings of the back rooms and hallways of government.
One of the problems with bullying in our culture is that some forms of bullying are actually encouraged. At least behaviors that are dangerously close to bullying are labeled as steps on the road to success. “Be assertive!” “Stand up for yourself!” There are plenty of messages that encourage aggressive behavior. Sometimes those who are the most aggressive are labeled as leaders and their behavior is seen as a way to get ahead in a competitive world.
Like the student council in a small town high school, most local churches are fairly small arenas of power. There isn’t a lot of power to be seized. Assuming leadership is often a case of being “a big fish in a small pond.” But there are plenty of bullies in the life of the church. Most members of the church are content with following the processes and working within the established structure and offices of the church. But there have been regular occurrences in the span of my career when an individual chooses to work outside of the normal channels and tries to exert power that is unearned and disproportionate to the commitment and investment that has been made.
Real leadership in the church is always shown in service, not in titles or offices held. Matthew’s report of Jesus sums it up accurately: “So the last shall be first, and the first last: for many be called, but few chosen.” Those who make ploys for power in the church often end up with very little power. The gospel has a way of reversing roles.
My friend Ben Anderson is a bit of an expert in bullying. Through his non-profit corporation, he does a lot of presentations in schools and other places on the topic of bullying. It is a topic Ben knows well. As a boy growing up in rural North Dakota with disabilities that affected both is walking and his speech, Ben often suffered the attempts of others to intimidate and control him. But he is a free spirit and a resilient person and he found ways to navigate the various maneuverings of his peers.
One of the stories that Ben tells is about a time, when he was an young adult and engaged in an “urban plunge” ministry through his church. After a brief period of orientation, volunteers were engaged in urban service ministries in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area. Ben, having grown up in small-town North Dakota didn’t have many “street smarts” or other urban skills, but he was committed to the service project. One day, after taking a walk, he was sitting in a park and was approached by three men who asked Ben for his money. Ben didn’t have any money with him and the bullies at first didn’t believe him. They tried to intimidate him and even followed him as he headed back to the place where he was staying. The experience shook Ben up, but after a conversation with the director of the program he decided to stick with the program. He also decided to be a bit more careful about going out into the city alone.
A few weeks later, Ben was serving at a public meal that was being offered to some of the city’s poorest residents. Among the people being served, Ben recognized the bullies who tried to rob him. They recognized Ben as well. Eventually Ben began to realize that bullying was a behavior and not the core identity of those men. And those men realized that Ben was more than an apparently weak target - he was a person who was trying to help. They offered an apology. Ben accepted.
Bullies can change. Having engaged in bullying behavior does not mean that one has to forever get one’s desires met by intimidation. Bullies can, through a process of love and care, learn other ways to behave.
That doesn’t mean that there are never times when you need to stand up to a bully. I can remember three distinct times in my life when, if not trembling on the outside, I was trembling on the inside as I took a stand and informed a bully that intimidation wasn’t going to be the way we made decisions in the church. In each case I was pretty clear in stating that their tactics wouldn’t work, but that they were welcome to continue to participate in the church and that I would expect them to exercise their participation through the established channels, boards and committees of the congregation. I was more or less successful in each occasion. In one case a pledge was withheld for at least a year. I don’t know if giving ceased as well, but suspect that it might have. In another case the person who had been bullying became a lot less involved in the congregation and eventually was rarely seen at that church.
I still have a lot to learn about bullies and how to help them change their behavior. And as I learn, I hope that I can see my own tendencies to use power in inappropriate ways and change my own behavior.
After all, we are immersed in an institution that is based on forgiveness. It is by God’s grace that we move into the future.