Journeys of grief
06/08/14 05:12
It appears that 2014 will be a record year for our congregation. It is a record that no conjugation would seek. If things keep up the way they have gone so far, 2014 will be a year with a record number of deaths in our congregation. Our losses have been of many different causes. There have been several notable deaths to cancer, with the attendant struggles to provide care, make treatment decisions and say good bye on an uncertain timetable. There have been deaths that we anticipated in other ways. Members who have lived long and meaningful lives have reached the end of their life’s journeys in natural ways. Several of the deaths have taken us by surprise. Death has come sooner than we expected in some cases.
It took a little more than a day this week for news of yet another death to circulate in the congregation. A tragic car accident resulted in the death of a grandmother, mother and son. The grandmother has been a member of our congregation for several years. Her life was a story of many struggles. Twice widowed she lost a son to suicide. Another son lives with multiple disabilities. In recent years the grandson who died in the accident has been the subject of many prayers as she struggled to find ways to help him with the challenges of becoming an adult in a world filled with danger and temptations to make bad choices.
There is much of the story that I know and much that I do not know. And it isn’t my story to tell, but it was yet another attempt to provide help to the grandson that had mother and daughter on the roads of rural Wyoming in the wee hours of the night.
I probably will never know why no one was wearing a seat belt at the time of the accident. There are plenty of questions that surround the deaths of people we know and love that don’t have answers. The ones that start with “why” often go unanswered.
I am not particularly interested in dwelling the the depths of grief and loss. What I do know, from personal experience and from years as a pastor, is that our congregation does understand grief and loss and sorrow. The community knows how to gather round and provide support and care for those who are grieving. Our theology does not deny the reality of the pain of loss. It does, however, keep the light of hope strong as we experience the reality of resurrection.
I don’t know how people navigate the journey of loss and grief without the support of a church.
Funerals are occasions when we meet people who have lived much of their lives away from the community of the church. It isn’t at all uncommon for us to meet new persons in the process of planning their parent’s funeral. People who have not been involved in the church since their childhood find our doors open and welcoming when they experience the death of a parent. It can be a point of entry into the community for some. Those who have been well served in a time of need often become servants to others later in their lives.
Sadly I also see children and other family members who don’t know their parents as well as we do. They come to the point of planning a funeral and don’t know what their loved one would have wanted. They are faced with a lot of decisions about which they haven’t thought much. It is not uncommon for me to have a better sense of what scriptures, music and other elements should be used in a particular funereal than family members.
It is a simple fact that we will all one day die from this life. But there are a lot of different ways of dealing with that reality. Some avoid thoughts of death until it becomes painfully unavoidable when a loved one dies. Some avoid talking about death as if speaking of it somehow makes it more real or draws it closer. Some live so fully and completely that their death catches others (and perhaps even themselves) by surprise. Some enter a long and slow decline with death apparently close for years and years. A second fact is similar to the first one: none of us can control the time or method of our dying. I know that some believe that suicide is a choice where the person who dies chooses the day, the place and the method of death. But in my observation suicide is the opposite of being in control of choices. Although the person engages in behavior that results in their death, the loss of control seems complete before death occurs.
In the face of all of this it is my sincere hope that our church can continue to be a place where we are open to talking about the reality of death, the pain of grief, the sorrow of loss, and the hope of new life that are all part of this world. I don’t want to ever become a place where doubt is not welcome, where sad thoughts are shoved under the carpet, or where people think that faith is only about sunny days and good feelings. We have shown that we can be a community that is able to talk about the realities of life in the context of faith. We don’t always have the answers, but we are a community that welcomes the questions and struggles to support one another as we seek meaning in the midst of sometimes painful experiences.
It isn’t that 2014 may be a record year for the number of deaths in our conjugation. It is that 2014 may be a record year for the opportunities we have to provide love, care and support to one another and we travel the journey of grief together.
Each step of the journey is an opportunity to grow in faith.
It took a little more than a day this week for news of yet another death to circulate in the congregation. A tragic car accident resulted in the death of a grandmother, mother and son. The grandmother has been a member of our congregation for several years. Her life was a story of many struggles. Twice widowed she lost a son to suicide. Another son lives with multiple disabilities. In recent years the grandson who died in the accident has been the subject of many prayers as she struggled to find ways to help him with the challenges of becoming an adult in a world filled with danger and temptations to make bad choices.
There is much of the story that I know and much that I do not know. And it isn’t my story to tell, but it was yet another attempt to provide help to the grandson that had mother and daughter on the roads of rural Wyoming in the wee hours of the night.
I probably will never know why no one was wearing a seat belt at the time of the accident. There are plenty of questions that surround the deaths of people we know and love that don’t have answers. The ones that start with “why” often go unanswered.
I am not particularly interested in dwelling the the depths of grief and loss. What I do know, from personal experience and from years as a pastor, is that our congregation does understand grief and loss and sorrow. The community knows how to gather round and provide support and care for those who are grieving. Our theology does not deny the reality of the pain of loss. It does, however, keep the light of hope strong as we experience the reality of resurrection.
I don’t know how people navigate the journey of loss and grief without the support of a church.
Funerals are occasions when we meet people who have lived much of their lives away from the community of the church. It isn’t at all uncommon for us to meet new persons in the process of planning their parent’s funeral. People who have not been involved in the church since their childhood find our doors open and welcoming when they experience the death of a parent. It can be a point of entry into the community for some. Those who have been well served in a time of need often become servants to others later in their lives.
Sadly I also see children and other family members who don’t know their parents as well as we do. They come to the point of planning a funeral and don’t know what their loved one would have wanted. They are faced with a lot of decisions about which they haven’t thought much. It is not uncommon for me to have a better sense of what scriptures, music and other elements should be used in a particular funereal than family members.
It is a simple fact that we will all one day die from this life. But there are a lot of different ways of dealing with that reality. Some avoid thoughts of death until it becomes painfully unavoidable when a loved one dies. Some avoid talking about death as if speaking of it somehow makes it more real or draws it closer. Some live so fully and completely that their death catches others (and perhaps even themselves) by surprise. Some enter a long and slow decline with death apparently close for years and years. A second fact is similar to the first one: none of us can control the time or method of our dying. I know that some believe that suicide is a choice where the person who dies chooses the day, the place and the method of death. But in my observation suicide is the opposite of being in control of choices. Although the person engages in behavior that results in their death, the loss of control seems complete before death occurs.
In the face of all of this it is my sincere hope that our church can continue to be a place where we are open to talking about the reality of death, the pain of grief, the sorrow of loss, and the hope of new life that are all part of this world. I don’t want to ever become a place where doubt is not welcome, where sad thoughts are shoved under the carpet, or where people think that faith is only about sunny days and good feelings. We have shown that we can be a community that is able to talk about the realities of life in the context of faith. We don’t always have the answers, but we are a community that welcomes the questions and struggles to support one another as we seek meaning in the midst of sometimes painful experiences.
It isn’t that 2014 may be a record year for the number of deaths in our conjugation. It is that 2014 may be a record year for the opportunities we have to provide love, care and support to one another and we travel the journey of grief together.
Each step of the journey is an opportunity to grow in faith.