Grief in the season of hope
07/04/13 05:30
Facts and figures can be boring, but the information from the Centers for Disease Control on mortality in the United States is a collection of facts and figures in which each fact is a real season of grief for a real family. It takes time for the CDC to compile its information, so that latest fully compiled figures are from 2010. A lot has occurred since that year. In 2010, 38,364 people died by suicide in the United States, making suicide the 10th leading cause of death for Americans. In that year someone in our country died by suicide every 13.7 minutes.
That is a staggering amount o f grief.
There was a time when we thought we were making progress. From 1990 to 2000, suicide rates steadily decreased from 12.5 per 100,000 people in the population to 10.4 per 100,000. Then, over the next ten years the rate went up again and by 2010, the rate stood at 12.1 per 100,000.
In general, older people are more likely to die by suicide than those who are younger. In 2010, the highest suicide rate was among people 45 to 64 years old. This is also the age group that has experienced the most dramatic increase over the past 10 years and the steadiest increase over the past 20 years. The second highest rate is among those 85 years and older. Adolescent suicide rates have been generally steady around 10 per 100,000 for decades.
Nearly 80% of those who die by suicide are male.
Suicide rates vary greatly by state. Six western states have adjusted suicide rates in excess of 18. South Dakota comes in just behind those six states, but the rate of death by suicide in our home state is still double that of states like New York, New Jersey, and Maryland.
But these are just statistics. The numbers are alarming. The tragedy behind those numbers is overwhelming. When a family loses a loved one to suicide, the system is rocked. Death by suicide is generally sudden and traumatic. Although family members have seen signs, may have heard threats and often have known of mental illness, the actual death comes as a shock. You don’t get over suicide death – you get through it. Having someone you love die by suicide increases all of your risk factors. Those who have experienced the death of a loved one by suicide themselves become more at risk for suicide. The death rate for survivors of suicide is nearly double that of the general population. Suicide grief is unique and uniquely painful in part because of the stigma that society attaches to mental illness in general and death by suicide in particular. It is often viewed by uninformed people as a weakness of character, a lack of faith or some other situation over which the victim has control. Suicide is rarely seen for what it is: the result of a fatal illness.
Some deaths are more public than others. A hanging on the Rosebud doesn’t make national press. A rock star overdose gets spread around the world. Somewhere between those deaths are ones that are noticed by many, but acknowledged by few.
Perhaps when we learn to share the grief of others, we will find ways to invest in the research that is needed to discover more effective treatment for depression and other mental illnesses and to prevent future tragedies.
Today I am grieving with the family of a colleague that I have never met face to face. Pastor Rick Warren is the founder of Saddleback Valley Community Church in California. He is famous for his book, “The Purpose-Driven Life,” and for delivering the invocation at President Barak Obama’s 2009 inauguration. Rick and his wife Kay have lost their youngest son to suicide. Always an eloquent writer, the e-mail he sent to the staff of the church expresses the pain and anguish the family is experiencing:
Subject: Needing your prayers
To my dear staff,
Over the past 33 years we’ve been together through every kind of crisis. Kay and I’ve been privileged to hold your hands as you faced a crisis or loss, stand with you at gravesides, and prayed for you when ill. Today, we need your prayer for us.
No words can express the anguished grief we feel right now. Our youngest son, Matthew, age 27, and a lifelong member of Saddleback, died today.
You who watched Matthew grow up knew he was an incredibly kind, gentle, and compassionate man. He had a brilliant intellect and a gift for sensing who was most in pain or most uncomfortable in a room. He’d then make a bee-line to that person to engage and encourage them.
But only those closest knew that he struggled from birth with mental illness, dark holes of depression, and even suicidal thoughts. In spite of America’s best doctors, meds, counselors, and prayers for healing, the torture of mental illness never subsided. Today, after a fun evening together with Kay and me, in a momentary wave of despair at his home, he took his life.
Kay and I often marveled at his courage to keep moving in spite of relentless pain. I’ll never forget how, many years ago, after another approach had failed to give relief, Matthew said “ Dad, I know I’m going to heaven. Why can’t I just die and end this pain?” but he kept going for another decade.
Thank you for your love and prayers. We love you back.
Pastor Rick
The depth of the tragedy invites us to sit with the family in their grief and to offer our prayers to join with those of the staff and members of Saddleback church. I know from personal experience that when you can’t find the words for your prayers it is a comfort to know that you aren’t the only one who is praying.
But we must not forget this moment of anguish, as painful as it is. We must use this time as an opportunity to find ways to increase research, provide more effective treatment and prevent future deaths by suicide. In this Easter season, we are reminded that love is stronger than death. May our love go out to the grieving family and be turned into action that makes a change in this world.
That is a staggering amount o f grief.
There was a time when we thought we were making progress. From 1990 to 2000, suicide rates steadily decreased from 12.5 per 100,000 people in the population to 10.4 per 100,000. Then, over the next ten years the rate went up again and by 2010, the rate stood at 12.1 per 100,000.
In general, older people are more likely to die by suicide than those who are younger. In 2010, the highest suicide rate was among people 45 to 64 years old. This is also the age group that has experienced the most dramatic increase over the past 10 years and the steadiest increase over the past 20 years. The second highest rate is among those 85 years and older. Adolescent suicide rates have been generally steady around 10 per 100,000 for decades.
Nearly 80% of those who die by suicide are male.
Suicide rates vary greatly by state. Six western states have adjusted suicide rates in excess of 18. South Dakota comes in just behind those six states, but the rate of death by suicide in our home state is still double that of states like New York, New Jersey, and Maryland.
But these are just statistics. The numbers are alarming. The tragedy behind those numbers is overwhelming. When a family loses a loved one to suicide, the system is rocked. Death by suicide is generally sudden and traumatic. Although family members have seen signs, may have heard threats and often have known of mental illness, the actual death comes as a shock. You don’t get over suicide death – you get through it. Having someone you love die by suicide increases all of your risk factors. Those who have experienced the death of a loved one by suicide themselves become more at risk for suicide. The death rate for survivors of suicide is nearly double that of the general population. Suicide grief is unique and uniquely painful in part because of the stigma that society attaches to mental illness in general and death by suicide in particular. It is often viewed by uninformed people as a weakness of character, a lack of faith or some other situation over which the victim has control. Suicide is rarely seen for what it is: the result of a fatal illness.
Some deaths are more public than others. A hanging on the Rosebud doesn’t make national press. A rock star overdose gets spread around the world. Somewhere between those deaths are ones that are noticed by many, but acknowledged by few.
Perhaps when we learn to share the grief of others, we will find ways to invest in the research that is needed to discover more effective treatment for depression and other mental illnesses and to prevent future tragedies.
Today I am grieving with the family of a colleague that I have never met face to face. Pastor Rick Warren is the founder of Saddleback Valley Community Church in California. He is famous for his book, “The Purpose-Driven Life,” and for delivering the invocation at President Barak Obama’s 2009 inauguration. Rick and his wife Kay have lost their youngest son to suicide. Always an eloquent writer, the e-mail he sent to the staff of the church expresses the pain and anguish the family is experiencing:
Subject: Needing your prayers
To my dear staff,
Over the past 33 years we’ve been together through every kind of crisis. Kay and I’ve been privileged to hold your hands as you faced a crisis or loss, stand with you at gravesides, and prayed for you when ill. Today, we need your prayer for us.
No words can express the anguished grief we feel right now. Our youngest son, Matthew, age 27, and a lifelong member of Saddleback, died today.
You who watched Matthew grow up knew he was an incredibly kind, gentle, and compassionate man. He had a brilliant intellect and a gift for sensing who was most in pain or most uncomfortable in a room. He’d then make a bee-line to that person to engage and encourage them.
But only those closest knew that he struggled from birth with mental illness, dark holes of depression, and even suicidal thoughts. In spite of America’s best doctors, meds, counselors, and prayers for healing, the torture of mental illness never subsided. Today, after a fun evening together with Kay and me, in a momentary wave of despair at his home, he took his life.
Kay and I often marveled at his courage to keep moving in spite of relentless pain. I’ll never forget how, many years ago, after another approach had failed to give relief, Matthew said “ Dad, I know I’m going to heaven. Why can’t I just die and end this pain?” but he kept going for another decade.
Thank you for your love and prayers. We love you back.
Pastor Rick
The depth of the tragedy invites us to sit with the family in their grief and to offer our prayers to join with those of the staff and members of Saddleback church. I know from personal experience that when you can’t find the words for your prayers it is a comfort to know that you aren’t the only one who is praying.
But we must not forget this moment of anguish, as painful as it is. We must use this time as an opportunity to find ways to increase research, provide more effective treatment and prevent future deaths by suicide. In this Easter season, we are reminded that love is stronger than death. May our love go out to the grieving family and be turned into action that makes a change in this world.