There is a myth that is common in our culture that a marriage is a union between two people. The common notion is that a couple make promises to each other and that the keeping of those promises is their sole responsibility. It is not uncommon for people to assume that the decision to divorce is a decision that is left solely to the two primary partners in marriage. The problem with this kind of thinking is that it forgets that every marriage is a complex merging of two family systems and that a divorce is a break in these systems. A simple and obvious observation is that when a family breaks up by divorce when there are children involved, it is not only the splitting couple whose lives are forever changed. The landmark studies of Judith Wallerstein have demonstrated the depth of the impact of divorce among children. Children of divorcing parents are themselves much less likely to become married, much more likely to divorce when married and much less likely to be successful in other partnership relationships such as business. When families experience divorce the relationships become strained, the grief is often poorly processed and recovery is longer and more painful than people initially expect.

We humans are, however, resilient. We survive and even thrive in the face of incredible stresses and difficulties. There are plenty of stories of children of divorce who have gone on to have happy, successful and meaningful lives, and learn to form lasting relationships and live in harmony with others. My observation is merely that we need to understand marriage as a social institution. Marriage affects the whole of society and not just a single couple. As such, all of us have a stake in meaningful and lasting relationships and in covenants that endure.

Our children and their spouses and our grandchild are all with us this week in part to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. Of course the circle of people whose lives are invested in our marriage is much larger than the circle that gathered for dinner last night. It is impossible for us to gather as a family without a firm awareness of those who have died and whose lives have run their course. We miss them and we understand that they too were affected by the promises that we made and the relationships that we formed. But those of us who did gather for dinner are all directly affected by this marriage. As part of our celebration, we each took a few minutes to speak of the things for which we are grateful. We are grateful for each other. Having other people in our lives adds to our meaning and our sense of belonging in this world. Love really is required for us to live. And we are grateful for the love we have found together. We also expressed our gratitude for the lasting nature of our marriage. Somehow we have discovered ways to nurture and support each other and remain faithful to the promises we made.

We are aware that the 40 years of our marriage is in part a legacy of other marriages. Our parents’ and grandparents’ marriages have helped to pave the way for the joys we have found. Our family is not somehow immune from the realities of the modern world. We have known marriages that ended in divorce. There are eight divorces that involve my siblings. There are other marriages in our family that have ended in divorce. These have added to the complexity of our family life. I once told one of my brothers that I was slow to learn to love his wife. He loved her first. When he decided that their marriage was over he may have moved on to another relationship. I, however, couldn’t just stop loving his “ex” simply because he did. I am aware that I am slow to trust and to love the people in his life in part because of the ways that he tends to move on from one relationship to another.

As I said, marriage is a social institution. The whole of human society is affected by the choices that individuals make. And marriage is a relationship that affects the whole of society.

I have tried to make a firm investment in others’ marriages just as I have made an investment in ours. I work hard with couples who come to me to serve as officiant in their weddings. My track record for the weddings in which I have been the officiant is about normal for our society. Some have been delightful and successful. The first marriage whose license bore my signature as officiant ended in early divorce. Another couple whose marriage we celebrated have passed their 30th wedding anniversary. There are all sorts of stories that surround the couples who have come to me for help in getting married. But I hope that each of those people, regardless of how their lives have turned out, can remember that I tried to teach them that their relationship was about much more than themselves. I hope that each could see their marriage as part of a much bigger story than just their own.

Being on the west coast, it was natural for our celebration evening to end with a great view of a sunset over the Puget Sound. There is something powerfully beautiful about a sunset over the water. The dramatic hills and mountains of the Pacific Northwest added to the power of the experience. Watching sunsets is a vacation experience for me. Although I am aware of watching sunrise every day, the busyness of my life often means that I am indoors during the sunset. But when on vacation, I make time to watch the sun go down. It is important for me to be reminded that there is beauty at both ends of the day. Not only does the new day begin with spectacular beauty, it also ends with incredible artistry.

There is beauty to endings as well as beginnings. When we fail to see the beauty in endings, we fail to experience the richness of life.

And through it all, I have had a partner to walk alongside me, to support me when I needed help, to challenge me when I grew complacent and to nurture me when I was unwell. That same partner has shared the ups and downs of life – the grief and the joy, the beginnings and endings.

How fortunate I am to know that we still have more sunsets – and more sunrises – to experience together.

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