A day to remember
19/10/13 06:16
My niece has had a long time to think about her wedding. She has always been a person of very strong opinions and has had a keen sense of what she wants, but this event is unique. Of course, I’m an uncle and I live a long ways away, so I have been a rather distant witness to the process and I don’t know all of the details, but I do know that today was a long day coming.
She and her fiancé have known each other for a decade. They were teens and neighbors when they met. They have seen each other through a lot of different life experiences. They have grown up together. I don’t think the announcement of the engagement was a big surprise to many in the family. And I doubt if it was a big surprise to either of them. In a way it seemed to be natural.
Since she was little, I have suspected that there would be some big events in her life. I was able to be around for a couple of her birthday parties when she was a child. She liked big productions. She learned to shine when she was the center of attention. She learned to get the things that were important to her.
Like all people, however, her growing up has had some surprises for those of us who know her. She has matured in delightful ways. Some of the traits that I didn’t understand about her childhood and teenage years have been softened and changed by the challenges and realities of adolescence and young adulthood. There was a time when we worried about teens. They have such intelligence and capability and they are able to make the biggest mistakes. By the mid teens they gain drivers’ licenses and are exposed to the possibility of alcohol and drug use. The culture pressures them into expressing their sexuality. There are so many possibilities for a bad choice to have life-altering consequences. These days, however, it seems as if the vulnerability has extended and deepened. Navigating their twenties is as challenging and difficult as it gets in some ways. The lives of today’s twenty-somethings are filled with options and challenges that we didn’t really consider when we were their age.
My niece and the young man she will marry today have successfully and for the most part graciously negotiated half of their third decade of life. They have moved through experiences where a wrong choice could have changed everything. I think that it is fair to say that they are ready for the commitments they are making today. Except you can never be ready. The consequences of the promises we make are not all visible from the place where we make our commitments. Life takes us in unexpected directions and offers unanticipated challenges and choices.
Last night, at the rehearsal dinner, I shared a brief moment of rolling our eyes at the antics of some of the relatives with my niece and her husband to be. I reminded them of the obvious: they bring together a unique gathering of people. Their families are large and complex. There have been some divorces and re-configurations in the lives of relatives. Some of the relatives have had lives that are very different from others. Their families span a wide spectrum. When you gather those families together with their friends you get a crowd that has never before existed and will probably never again gather in the same configuration.
People make trite statements about the wedding being the bride’s day. Any bride knows that a wedding is far from one person’s day. It is about a complex set of relationships. And people can get upset about a lot of little things. Who stands next to whom, who is seated in what row, what order the families enter the room – all of these shouldn’t make any difference at all. All of these are potentially emotional minefields. Someone is bound to get upset. Someone is bound to have his or her feelings hurt. Someone is bound to behave in an unpredictable manner. There are simply too many variables to control.
All of that complexity is not without reward. Drawing together a unique group of people has its own wonder and energy. New relationships are formed. New contacts are made. There is much to learn in what appears to outsiders to be a loud and wild party.
As a minister, I attend a lot of weddings. But most of the time, my role is clear and I know what to do. I have been party to many of the preparations and plans and my part is familiar to me. At the rehearsal, I move things along so that people get the information they need and then can get about a dinner and getting to know one another. At the wedding, I lift up a few of the important parts of entering into a new relationship and perform the ceremonial functions. I say the prayers, I offer the blessings, I sign the paperwork. At the reception, I make a polite appearance and exit early.
It is different being the uncle. I am delighted with my role in this wedding. My sister and I have been through a lot of life experiences together. We’ve attended a lot of weddings and had different roles in each one. We have traveled together and watched our children grow up. We have been partners through our parents’ aging and deaths. We continue to make joint decisions as custodians of a family trust. I enjoy being part of her support team. And I am delighted to share my niece’s day of celebration.
There is an important lesson in the day. A marriage is not about one day – it is far more than a ceremony and a big dinner. A marriage is forged across the span of a lifetime. And the things one does in a marriage have broad-reaching consequences. The decision of this couple to marry affects a large number of people. We all become party to some pretty serious promises today.
And life is not predictable. There are many surprises ahead for this couple and for the rest of us who have gathered to witness their vows.
It is a day to remember.
She and her fiancé have known each other for a decade. They were teens and neighbors when they met. They have seen each other through a lot of different life experiences. They have grown up together. I don’t think the announcement of the engagement was a big surprise to many in the family. And I doubt if it was a big surprise to either of them. In a way it seemed to be natural.
Since she was little, I have suspected that there would be some big events in her life. I was able to be around for a couple of her birthday parties when she was a child. She liked big productions. She learned to shine when she was the center of attention. She learned to get the things that were important to her.
Like all people, however, her growing up has had some surprises for those of us who know her. She has matured in delightful ways. Some of the traits that I didn’t understand about her childhood and teenage years have been softened and changed by the challenges and realities of adolescence and young adulthood. There was a time when we worried about teens. They have such intelligence and capability and they are able to make the biggest mistakes. By the mid teens they gain drivers’ licenses and are exposed to the possibility of alcohol and drug use. The culture pressures them into expressing their sexuality. There are so many possibilities for a bad choice to have life-altering consequences. These days, however, it seems as if the vulnerability has extended and deepened. Navigating their twenties is as challenging and difficult as it gets in some ways. The lives of today’s twenty-somethings are filled with options and challenges that we didn’t really consider when we were their age.
My niece and the young man she will marry today have successfully and for the most part graciously negotiated half of their third decade of life. They have moved through experiences where a wrong choice could have changed everything. I think that it is fair to say that they are ready for the commitments they are making today. Except you can never be ready. The consequences of the promises we make are not all visible from the place where we make our commitments. Life takes us in unexpected directions and offers unanticipated challenges and choices.
Last night, at the rehearsal dinner, I shared a brief moment of rolling our eyes at the antics of some of the relatives with my niece and her husband to be. I reminded them of the obvious: they bring together a unique gathering of people. Their families are large and complex. There have been some divorces and re-configurations in the lives of relatives. Some of the relatives have had lives that are very different from others. Their families span a wide spectrum. When you gather those families together with their friends you get a crowd that has never before existed and will probably never again gather in the same configuration.
People make trite statements about the wedding being the bride’s day. Any bride knows that a wedding is far from one person’s day. It is about a complex set of relationships. And people can get upset about a lot of little things. Who stands next to whom, who is seated in what row, what order the families enter the room – all of these shouldn’t make any difference at all. All of these are potentially emotional minefields. Someone is bound to get upset. Someone is bound to have his or her feelings hurt. Someone is bound to behave in an unpredictable manner. There are simply too many variables to control.
All of that complexity is not without reward. Drawing together a unique group of people has its own wonder and energy. New relationships are formed. New contacts are made. There is much to learn in what appears to outsiders to be a loud and wild party.
As a minister, I attend a lot of weddings. But most of the time, my role is clear and I know what to do. I have been party to many of the preparations and plans and my part is familiar to me. At the rehearsal, I move things along so that people get the information they need and then can get about a dinner and getting to know one another. At the wedding, I lift up a few of the important parts of entering into a new relationship and perform the ceremonial functions. I say the prayers, I offer the blessings, I sign the paperwork. At the reception, I make a polite appearance and exit early.
It is different being the uncle. I am delighted with my role in this wedding. My sister and I have been through a lot of life experiences together. We’ve attended a lot of weddings and had different roles in each one. We have traveled together and watched our children grow up. We have been partners through our parents’ aging and deaths. We continue to make joint decisions as custodians of a family trust. I enjoy being part of her support team. And I am delighted to share my niece’s day of celebration.
There is an important lesson in the day. A marriage is not about one day – it is far more than a ceremony and a big dinner. A marriage is forged across the span of a lifetime. And the things one does in a marriage have broad-reaching consequences. The decision of this couple to marry affects a large number of people. We all become party to some pretty serious promises today.
And life is not predictable. There are many surprises ahead for this couple and for the rest of us who have gathered to witness their vows.
It is a day to remember.