Many ways to grieve
09/01/13 04:24
I come from people of Northern European roots. My family name is German and we carry the heritage from that part of the world. My mother’s people trace their roots to England and perhaps Scotland. Our people are private with their emotions. We don’t go in for big displays of our feelings. I have known families who make a big show of hugging and kissing and crying and displaying all kinds of emotions. My people are shy about public displays of emotions of any kind. There might be a little holding hands in public or an occasional hug, but much of our emotional displays are reserved for very private places.
As a pastor, however, I have learned that there are many other traditions and that those traditions are deeply meaningful to others. I think I am a bit less awkward these days when someone offers me a hug. I have learned to respond in kind. And I no longer get embarrassed when someone cries in my presence. After all, my job is ministry to the whole person and a whole person comes with emotions. God accepts all of the feelings of the people and a minister should be open to them as well.
Along the road, I have learned that there are many different ways of expressing grief. And there are many different traditions surrounding funerals. In my family, we don’t linger with the body once a person has died. We make quick arrangements to have the body dealt with in a loving manner and then we gather at the church for a memorial service. Then we go home and grieve privately. We focus on the presence of the spirit of our loved one, on the love and the gifts that we have shared. We don’t go in for public viewings and other displays of our grief.
But our way isn’t the only way. In fact it might not be the best way.
The rituals of mourning vary by culture and tradition. There are specific rules governing the practices of mourning in some cultural traditions. The Jewish practice of shiva is a specific ritual of mourning for the seven days following the death of a loved one. There are rules about how the days are counted, the effect of Sabbath on the mourning process, what happens when there is a high holy day (Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Passover and Shavuot) during the shiva. Neighbors and friends provide meals. Mourners do not bathe or shower, they do not wear leather shoes or jewelry, men do not shave and mirrors are covered. Practices have evolved over time and are observed with different details and in different ways depending on the specific traditions of a particular family or situation.
The English tradition of wake has evolved into different forms in different places. We often associate the practice of observing a wake with the Irish, but the word comes from an English practice. The Irish “faire” is a similar ceremony. A traditional wake takes place in the home of the deceased with the body present. These days wakes are often held in public places rather than the home. The tradition comes from the practice of staying alert and guarding the body from the time of death until the time of burial.
In our corner of the world, we observe wakes most often with our Lakota and Dakota sisters and brothers. The tradition of a wake before a funeral is strong and long-standing in native communities. A wake is usually held in a public hall such as a church fellowship hall or a community center. The body is prepared by a funeral home and the casket is brought, with ceremony, to the hall where there are lots of quilts and pictures and other memorabilia displayed. The wake involves formal prayers, but also lots of time for telling stories of the person who has died. Food is served and shared among the mourners. The wake begins the evening before the funeral and continues throughout the night until the time of the funeral.
Even though it is not a part of my tradition, there is something very natural about a wake. It is natural to want to stay with the body of a loved one until it is buried or cremation takes place. Sleep patterns are disrupted for those who mourn. Tiredness and exhaustion are part of the grieving process. And telling stories and sharing meals are part of processing grief. It takes time to adjust to the new reality of life without the loved one and some formal rituals assist with that dramatic transition.
It is an honor to be invited into the grief of another – to share the journey with a friend.
Our church has been honored by a family who are currently holding a wake in our building. I’ll be going to join them shortly after having sat with them into the evening last night. The funeral will be at 10 this morning with military honors and burial at Black Hills National Cemetery to follow. We are already short of sleep and a bit tired from all of the activities of preparing for and participating with the family in the ceremonies that have already taken place. We will be nearing exhaustion by the time it is over. Then we will pick up the pieces and go on with the life of a busy and active congregation.
One of the gifts of grief is that it disrupts our routines. Our schedules are interrupted. We don’t carry on in the usual way. We are given the opportunity to look again at what is most important. And we discover that the things we often think are important aren’t really that important after all. Deadlines can be adjusted. Routines can be changed. Schedules can be altered. And that isn’t a bad thing.
The truth of this life is that we are not in control. Any illusion of control is temporary and clouds us from the larger reality that we belong to each other and we belong to God. So we remember and we follow the traditions of our people and learn some new traditions along the way. And God’s gift of grief begins its work in our lives. And if we learn that we are not in control, it is a lesson that will serve us well in the years to come as we practice our faith in the midst of the realities of life.
As a pastor, however, I have learned that there are many other traditions and that those traditions are deeply meaningful to others. I think I am a bit less awkward these days when someone offers me a hug. I have learned to respond in kind. And I no longer get embarrassed when someone cries in my presence. After all, my job is ministry to the whole person and a whole person comes with emotions. God accepts all of the feelings of the people and a minister should be open to them as well.
Along the road, I have learned that there are many different ways of expressing grief. And there are many different traditions surrounding funerals. In my family, we don’t linger with the body once a person has died. We make quick arrangements to have the body dealt with in a loving manner and then we gather at the church for a memorial service. Then we go home and grieve privately. We focus on the presence of the spirit of our loved one, on the love and the gifts that we have shared. We don’t go in for public viewings and other displays of our grief.
But our way isn’t the only way. In fact it might not be the best way.
The rituals of mourning vary by culture and tradition. There are specific rules governing the practices of mourning in some cultural traditions. The Jewish practice of shiva is a specific ritual of mourning for the seven days following the death of a loved one. There are rules about how the days are counted, the effect of Sabbath on the mourning process, what happens when there is a high holy day (Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Passover and Shavuot) during the shiva. Neighbors and friends provide meals. Mourners do not bathe or shower, they do not wear leather shoes or jewelry, men do not shave and mirrors are covered. Practices have evolved over time and are observed with different details and in different ways depending on the specific traditions of a particular family or situation.
The English tradition of wake has evolved into different forms in different places. We often associate the practice of observing a wake with the Irish, but the word comes from an English practice. The Irish “faire” is a similar ceremony. A traditional wake takes place in the home of the deceased with the body present. These days wakes are often held in public places rather than the home. The tradition comes from the practice of staying alert and guarding the body from the time of death until the time of burial.
In our corner of the world, we observe wakes most often with our Lakota and Dakota sisters and brothers. The tradition of a wake before a funeral is strong and long-standing in native communities. A wake is usually held in a public hall such as a church fellowship hall or a community center. The body is prepared by a funeral home and the casket is brought, with ceremony, to the hall where there are lots of quilts and pictures and other memorabilia displayed. The wake involves formal prayers, but also lots of time for telling stories of the person who has died. Food is served and shared among the mourners. The wake begins the evening before the funeral and continues throughout the night until the time of the funeral.
Even though it is not a part of my tradition, there is something very natural about a wake. It is natural to want to stay with the body of a loved one until it is buried or cremation takes place. Sleep patterns are disrupted for those who mourn. Tiredness and exhaustion are part of the grieving process. And telling stories and sharing meals are part of processing grief. It takes time to adjust to the new reality of life without the loved one and some formal rituals assist with that dramatic transition.
It is an honor to be invited into the grief of another – to share the journey with a friend.
Our church has been honored by a family who are currently holding a wake in our building. I’ll be going to join them shortly after having sat with them into the evening last night. The funeral will be at 10 this morning with military honors and burial at Black Hills National Cemetery to follow. We are already short of sleep and a bit tired from all of the activities of preparing for and participating with the family in the ceremonies that have already taken place. We will be nearing exhaustion by the time it is over. Then we will pick up the pieces and go on with the life of a busy and active congregation.
One of the gifts of grief is that it disrupts our routines. Our schedules are interrupted. We don’t carry on in the usual way. We are given the opportunity to look again at what is most important. And we discover that the things we often think are important aren’t really that important after all. Deadlines can be adjusted. Routines can be changed. Schedules can be altered. And that isn’t a bad thing.
The truth of this life is that we are not in control. Any illusion of control is temporary and clouds us from the larger reality that we belong to each other and we belong to God. So we remember and we follow the traditions of our people and learn some new traditions along the way. And God’s gift of grief begins its work in our lives. And if we learn that we are not in control, it is a lesson that will serve us well in the years to come as we practice our faith in the midst of the realities of life.