Reaching out
18/08/13 05:13
I was sharing a conversation recently with a church member about how some people “fall through the cracks.” In a church, like any other institution, there are some people who become involved and are at the center of activities. Other church members get to know them and sustaining relationships are formed. In many cases these relationships extend beyond church activities and people meet each other quite naturally in community and social situations.
But there are some individuals who find it more difficult to form friendships. They often come to church and participate in the programs without getting to know other members. They are often not well known among the members of the church. I am frequently surprised by the simple fact that members of our church don’t know the names of other members.
I suppose that all of these differences are quite normal and natural. Different people come to the church with different needs and they have different experiences based on their levels of commitment, needs, and circumstances. The problem comes when life situations change. A rather simple disability can result in a person no longer being able to drive a car. One of our members, who cannot drive, rarely misses anything that happens at the church. He maintains his independence mostly by using a van service that is offered through his residence. But he also has a network of friends at the church who are willing to give him rides to and from church events. He also finds ways to get out to concerts, sporting events and other community activities. In stark contrast, we have some members who once they stop driving suddenly disappear from church activities. Even when rides are offered, they are sometimes not accepted. The person becomes isolated and withdrawn.
Rides are not the only commodities that are distributed unequally in our church community. Some people are overwhelmed with visitors when they have an illness or are cut off from the community. Others sit in loneliness with very few visitors.
We have tried a wide variety of different systems to maintain contact between our members. We have been formal, assigning specific individuals to make sure that members receive visits. We have been informal, making suggestions and trying to promote relationships. For several years, we had our members report their visits so that we could track them. Each time we come up with a new system, we are aware that there are flaws. The people who are best at visiting aren’t the best at keeping records. The folks who focus their attention on maintaining relationships sometimes don’t like to come to meetings.
And some people are particularly difficult to visit. Their life experiences have left them bitter and they express anger to those who visit. Or they lack relationship skills and don’t know how to sustain relationships. Some people experience personality changes that are caused by medical conditions. They just aren’t the same as they used to be.
And so we confess that as hard as we try we are imperfect at maintaining and sustaining relationships as our members go through various changes in their lives. Part of this reality is a lesson in humility for our church. We need to humbly admit that we make mistakes land that we could do a better job of being a church. Systems of visitation need to be reinvented over and over again. Ways of maintaining contact need to be reinvented in each generation. Relationships need to be nurtured one by one with sensitivity to the differences in situation and personality.
But this reality is also a lesson for individuals within the church. As I work with people, I have the opportunity to observe how a small shift in attitude can make a big difference. One member of the church frequently greets me with stories of how long it has been since the last visit and how lonely her life is. Another member with very similar circumstances always greets me with gratitude for my visit and a warm welcome. You can imagine that one is easier to visit than the other. Now we are not called into this life to seek the easiest path and both are deserving of time and attention. I try to be fair, but I note that one of the members gets more visits from friends and family. So does the bitterness come from a lack of visits, or does the bitterness contribute to the lack of visits? I suspect that it is a bit of both.
It does seem to be important to practice relationship skills over and over again. Being gracious, learning to forgive, listening carefully, maintaining an active interest in the lives and activities of others – all of these things are skills that potentially will yield great meaning when life circumstances change and illness or disability forces a withdrawal from the community.
I have also noticed that some people are simply more comfortable with being by themselves than others. I come from a long line of “loners” who have been very comfortable with solitude. We seem to always have some kind of project or thought that leaves us comfortable with being by ourselves. On the other hand, my life and vocation don’t give me much time alone. I find myself seeking moments of being by myself. As a result, I can be a bit judgmental of others who become lonely quickly. It seems to me that they could connect with others in a lot of different ways. Read a book. Say a prayer. Look through a photo album. Listen for the voice of God. These are all ways to move from loneliness to relationship.
We humans are complex beings and changes in our circumstances produce different results in different individuals. The result is that a church needs to continue to work at honing its skills of reaching out and providing care for all of our members, those who are easy to visit and those who present a challenge. It is work that is never fully accomplished and to which every member of the church is called in some way.
We live our faith best when we continue to listen to that call very carefully.
But there are some individuals who find it more difficult to form friendships. They often come to church and participate in the programs without getting to know other members. They are often not well known among the members of the church. I am frequently surprised by the simple fact that members of our church don’t know the names of other members.
I suppose that all of these differences are quite normal and natural. Different people come to the church with different needs and they have different experiences based on their levels of commitment, needs, and circumstances. The problem comes when life situations change. A rather simple disability can result in a person no longer being able to drive a car. One of our members, who cannot drive, rarely misses anything that happens at the church. He maintains his independence mostly by using a van service that is offered through his residence. But he also has a network of friends at the church who are willing to give him rides to and from church events. He also finds ways to get out to concerts, sporting events and other community activities. In stark contrast, we have some members who once they stop driving suddenly disappear from church activities. Even when rides are offered, they are sometimes not accepted. The person becomes isolated and withdrawn.
Rides are not the only commodities that are distributed unequally in our church community. Some people are overwhelmed with visitors when they have an illness or are cut off from the community. Others sit in loneliness with very few visitors.
We have tried a wide variety of different systems to maintain contact between our members. We have been formal, assigning specific individuals to make sure that members receive visits. We have been informal, making suggestions and trying to promote relationships. For several years, we had our members report their visits so that we could track them. Each time we come up with a new system, we are aware that there are flaws. The people who are best at visiting aren’t the best at keeping records. The folks who focus their attention on maintaining relationships sometimes don’t like to come to meetings.
And some people are particularly difficult to visit. Their life experiences have left them bitter and they express anger to those who visit. Or they lack relationship skills and don’t know how to sustain relationships. Some people experience personality changes that are caused by medical conditions. They just aren’t the same as they used to be.
And so we confess that as hard as we try we are imperfect at maintaining and sustaining relationships as our members go through various changes in their lives. Part of this reality is a lesson in humility for our church. We need to humbly admit that we make mistakes land that we could do a better job of being a church. Systems of visitation need to be reinvented over and over again. Ways of maintaining contact need to be reinvented in each generation. Relationships need to be nurtured one by one with sensitivity to the differences in situation and personality.
But this reality is also a lesson for individuals within the church. As I work with people, I have the opportunity to observe how a small shift in attitude can make a big difference. One member of the church frequently greets me with stories of how long it has been since the last visit and how lonely her life is. Another member with very similar circumstances always greets me with gratitude for my visit and a warm welcome. You can imagine that one is easier to visit than the other. Now we are not called into this life to seek the easiest path and both are deserving of time and attention. I try to be fair, but I note that one of the members gets more visits from friends and family. So does the bitterness come from a lack of visits, or does the bitterness contribute to the lack of visits? I suspect that it is a bit of both.
It does seem to be important to practice relationship skills over and over again. Being gracious, learning to forgive, listening carefully, maintaining an active interest in the lives and activities of others – all of these things are skills that potentially will yield great meaning when life circumstances change and illness or disability forces a withdrawal from the community.
I have also noticed that some people are simply more comfortable with being by themselves than others. I come from a long line of “loners” who have been very comfortable with solitude. We seem to always have some kind of project or thought that leaves us comfortable with being by ourselves. On the other hand, my life and vocation don’t give me much time alone. I find myself seeking moments of being by myself. As a result, I can be a bit judgmental of others who become lonely quickly. It seems to me that they could connect with others in a lot of different ways. Read a book. Say a prayer. Look through a photo album. Listen for the voice of God. These are all ways to move from loneliness to relationship.
We humans are complex beings and changes in our circumstances produce different results in different individuals. The result is that a church needs to continue to work at honing its skills of reaching out and providing care for all of our members, those who are easy to visit and those who present a challenge. It is work that is never fully accomplished and to which every member of the church is called in some way.
We live our faith best when we continue to listen to that call very carefully.