Weddings
06/07/13 05:19
There is a wedding at our church today. After the rehearsal last night the mother of the bride said to me, “I’m almost to the point where I can relax and start enjoying this.” The entire wedding party looked a bit tired. There have been a lot of people doing a lot of work to prepare for this wedding. The entire event, including the reception, is being held at the church. This is relatively rare for our church. It is more common for receptions to be held in other venues. Families planning weddings often want things that we can’t provide such as catered meals, alcohol service, a dance floor, wait staff and a team of cleaning personnel. But this couple chose to have their event at the church.
What is apparent to me is that the wedding is a big deal to the couple and to the families. And by “wedding” I mean all of the trappings of the event – the music, the food, the guests, the decorations – all of these things are important to the couple. Some of them seem, at times, to take precedence over the relatively simple half-hour worship service that is the core of the event.
I’m not sure that I remember accurately how it was for us, but in a way, I don’t think that the event of the wedding was quite as big of a deal. I do know that we had a smaller group of family and friends who gathered. Ours wasn’t the social event of the season. I’m the middle child of a fairly big family, so there was a wedding in our family every couple of years there for a while. We had grown up immersed in church and had met at church camp, so we had two ministers for the event. The pastor of Susan’s home church took the lead with planning the ceremony, but the two knew each other well and shared leadership comfortably. The reception was at the church, but it wasn’t a complete meal. We shared cake and ice cream and had a few pictures taken. Susan made her own wedding dress and she and her sisters made the dresses for the bridesmaids. My sister sewed the shirts for the groomsmen. We had a live plant for the communion table. The bride had a small bouquet and we had flowers for the wedding party and parents. We didn’t hire a wedding planner and the church didn’t provide a wedding coordinator.
The average wedding in the United States costs $25,656 these days. The majority of weddings fall in the range of between $19,242 and $32,070. This cost includes the reception but not the honeymoon. It is a big deal.
Our church seats 500 people, has an impressive array of musical instruments, including a pipe organ, two grand pianos and a harpsichord, has an experienced staff that includes three ministers, and is one of the most acoustically balanced rooms in our community. It is a sought after venue for lots of events, including weddings. A wedding at our church for a couple who are not members, including minister, organist, wedding coordinator, candelabra and candles, use of the building for rehearsal and wedding, rooms for changing clothes and family, etc. costs $550. Costs are lower for church members. So if a couple chooses to have an average wedding, that leaves over $25,000 to spend on the rest of their event. It is rare to have a wedding at our church where the family didn’t spend more money on the photographer than they did on the church. It is very common for the bride’s dress to cost more than the total cost of the church and ministers.
I really don’t know if this is bad or good. It is just the way of our culture. We still do a few simple ceremonies, where the costs are very low and the focus is on the worship service, but most of the weddings that happen at our church are really big productions. We assume that we need a wedding coordinator to make one happen. And the receptions are frequently elaborate productions with sit-down dinners, live bands held at hotels or other fancy locations.
I believe that occasions are important. I believe in genuine celebrations. I believe that there is deep meaning in the public exchange of vows in front of family and friends. I believe in weddings. I’m glad that we had one. I’m glad that our children had theirs.
But I remain unconvinced that many of the trappings associated with contemporary weddings in our land are necessary. Sometimes the size of the event detracts from the meaning of the ceremony. Sometimes the importance of entering into a covenant with God is overlooked.
The truth is that a marriage is formed not in a single event, but in a lifetime of shared experiences. The promises are made at a ceremony but they are kept in years of lasting faithfulness. The success or failure of a wedding has little to do with the size of the ceremony or the amount of money that is spent. The important part of a marriage happens the day after the wedding and every day that follows.
I have a colleague whose church requires all couples who are married in their church to have worshiped in their church a minimum of six times during the year before the wedding. They expect the couple to be known as a part of the church community in which their wedding takes place. They encourage couples who live in other communities to find a church near their home before getting married. Their thought is that the couple needs to understand worship, and life in community before they marry. I am attracted to this way of thinking, but I know that making such rules would not work for our congregation. I do wish, however, that I was more skilled at enabling couples to focus their attention on the worship service, the commitments they are making, and the need to have an on-going relationship with God and a community of believers as they go forward.
And I hope for weddings in which the participants are not too tired to focus their attention when the worship service begins.
What is apparent to me is that the wedding is a big deal to the couple and to the families. And by “wedding” I mean all of the trappings of the event – the music, the food, the guests, the decorations – all of these things are important to the couple. Some of them seem, at times, to take precedence over the relatively simple half-hour worship service that is the core of the event.
I’m not sure that I remember accurately how it was for us, but in a way, I don’t think that the event of the wedding was quite as big of a deal. I do know that we had a smaller group of family and friends who gathered. Ours wasn’t the social event of the season. I’m the middle child of a fairly big family, so there was a wedding in our family every couple of years there for a while. We had grown up immersed in church and had met at church camp, so we had two ministers for the event. The pastor of Susan’s home church took the lead with planning the ceremony, but the two knew each other well and shared leadership comfortably. The reception was at the church, but it wasn’t a complete meal. We shared cake and ice cream and had a few pictures taken. Susan made her own wedding dress and she and her sisters made the dresses for the bridesmaids. My sister sewed the shirts for the groomsmen. We had a live plant for the communion table. The bride had a small bouquet and we had flowers for the wedding party and parents. We didn’t hire a wedding planner and the church didn’t provide a wedding coordinator.
The average wedding in the United States costs $25,656 these days. The majority of weddings fall in the range of between $19,242 and $32,070. This cost includes the reception but not the honeymoon. It is a big deal.
Our church seats 500 people, has an impressive array of musical instruments, including a pipe organ, two grand pianos and a harpsichord, has an experienced staff that includes three ministers, and is one of the most acoustically balanced rooms in our community. It is a sought after venue for lots of events, including weddings. A wedding at our church for a couple who are not members, including minister, organist, wedding coordinator, candelabra and candles, use of the building for rehearsal and wedding, rooms for changing clothes and family, etc. costs $550. Costs are lower for church members. So if a couple chooses to have an average wedding, that leaves over $25,000 to spend on the rest of their event. It is rare to have a wedding at our church where the family didn’t spend more money on the photographer than they did on the church. It is very common for the bride’s dress to cost more than the total cost of the church and ministers.
I really don’t know if this is bad or good. It is just the way of our culture. We still do a few simple ceremonies, where the costs are very low and the focus is on the worship service, but most of the weddings that happen at our church are really big productions. We assume that we need a wedding coordinator to make one happen. And the receptions are frequently elaborate productions with sit-down dinners, live bands held at hotels or other fancy locations.
I believe that occasions are important. I believe in genuine celebrations. I believe that there is deep meaning in the public exchange of vows in front of family and friends. I believe in weddings. I’m glad that we had one. I’m glad that our children had theirs.
But I remain unconvinced that many of the trappings associated with contemporary weddings in our land are necessary. Sometimes the size of the event detracts from the meaning of the ceremony. Sometimes the importance of entering into a covenant with God is overlooked.
The truth is that a marriage is formed not in a single event, but in a lifetime of shared experiences. The promises are made at a ceremony but they are kept in years of lasting faithfulness. The success or failure of a wedding has little to do with the size of the ceremony or the amount of money that is spent. The important part of a marriage happens the day after the wedding and every day that follows.
I have a colleague whose church requires all couples who are married in their church to have worshiped in their church a minimum of six times during the year before the wedding. They expect the couple to be known as a part of the church community in which their wedding takes place. They encourage couples who live in other communities to find a church near their home before getting married. Their thought is that the couple needs to understand worship, and life in community before they marry. I am attracted to this way of thinking, but I know that making such rules would not work for our congregation. I do wish, however, that I was more skilled at enabling couples to focus their attention on the worship service, the commitments they are making, and the need to have an on-going relationship with God and a community of believers as they go forward.
And I hope for weddings in which the participants are not too tired to focus their attention when the worship service begins.