Friends
26/01/12 05:22
When I am working with families who are experiencing a traumatic loss, they often ask me questions about what is going to happen. For the most part, I do not know what is going to happen. I am no predictor of the future. But I do recognize some patterns. Often the family wants some information about what to expect in terms of ongoing investigations by law enforcement, when the body of their loved one will be released to the funeral home and other details about which I may have quite a bit of information. Other times they want to know about the process of grief, the response of the community and other things about which I can only make broad generalizations. Every experience of grief is unique. There is no way to tell someone how she or he will feel at a particular moment. The loss of a loved one is not something that one gets over. It is something that you get through.
One observation I have made of those going through loss is that it is not uncommon for friendships to change. Some friends become even closer as they rally around the grieving person to offer support, care and love. Some friends seem to become more distant, as they struggle with how to behave and what to say. Some people just don’t know how to respond and withdraw. This is especially true when social stigma comes into play. There are still a lot of people in our society who are afraid of mental illness and do not know how to respond. A death by suicide may involve judgment from people who do not understand. Some friendships may be lost.
Realignments of friendships in the process of grief are not limited to sudden and traumatic loss, however. The loss of a loved one to a slow, chronic disease or to the effects of old age also can mean that friendships change. If you think about it, it makes sense. When you lose someone whom you have loved, your entire life is affected. Many things change. Some friendships change because grief changes the individual. Priorities and activities shift. A friendship that is based on a common interest can be lost when the interest is lost.
Joseph Marshall III is one of the best interpreters of Lakota Culture in contemporary America. His many books give non-Lakota persons a view of the history and values of Lakota people. By drawing on the stories of pre-reservation life, he is able to identify enduring values that are carried forward in the vastly altered social structures of contemporary Native American society. A couple of years ago, he wrote a small book on leadership called The Power of Four. In it he uses Crazy Horse as an example to explore four qualities of leadership: Know Yourself, Know Your Friends, Know the Enemy, and Take the Lead.
I have been reflecting on leadership lately as we prepare for our annual meeting as a congregation. The annual meeting is always a good time for a pastor to take stock, do a little self-evaluation, determine what changes might be required, and rededicate him or her self to the calling of the church. All people need regular evaluation and self-evaluation is important. In our congregation we also have a Pastoral Relations and Personnel committee who assist with periodic review of the relationship between the pastor and the congregation. So I have been trying to take Marshall’s advice about knowing oneself seriously. Knowing oneself requires honesty and integrity. It is of no use to be deluded by a fantasy of what one wants to be. Although dreams and goals for change are important, there is no substitute for an honest evaluation of strengths and weaknesses, abilities and disabilities, successes and failures. If nothing else, honesty encourages humility. None of us is perfect. We all make mistakes.
This year, however, just past the one-year anniversary of my mother’s death, with the second birthday of my brother since he died just past and anticipating the anniversary of the death of my father-in-law in a few weeks, I am aware of how much grief is a part of my journey. Because I lost a sister just before I entered college and my father in the second year after my ordination, grief has always been a dynamic in my ministry. As painful as the process of grieving can be, it is essentially a good process and understanding grief, at least in part, can be very helpful to a minister walking through grief with people served.
What seems different to me at this phase of my life is that I am more aware than I was in the past of the realignment of friends in this particular journey of grief. It is not just a phenomenon of my personal life. It is also a dynamic in my professional life in the church. Perhaps Marshall has it right. Friendship and knowing one’s friends are important aspects of leadership. The shift in friends is not numerically dramatic. There are a couple of people that I have experienced as friends in the past who seem more distant right now. There are some new friends whose support has come to be very meaningful to me in this particular phase of my life. I don’t really think in this way very often, but if I were to make a list of friends of the projects and priorities that are most important to the congregation as it moves forward, there are some names that would be prominent in previous years that probably wouldn’t make this year’s list. This doesn’t mean that people have turned against me or against the ministries of the church. It just means that for whatever reasons we find ourselves less closely aligned than in the past.
It isn’t easy to have your minister going through grief. The grief of a leader reminds one of your own grief. Sometimes people don’t want to think of sadness and loss. Sometimes they are at different stages with their own grief.
I miss former friends. It is worth some time and effort to pursue these relationships, but I find myself a bit short of energy at times and don’t always find the strength to put forth the effort required.
Life in the church, like life in general, is constantly changing. A leader responds to the changes in the congregation as well as personal changes in him or her self. Henri Nouwen reminds pastors that we are all “wounded healers.” The things that appear to be our weaknesses can be our greatest strengths for ministry. My prayer for this time in my ministry is that I can set aside my fear of change and become open to the power of transformation.
There is more that is yet to be revealed.
One observation I have made of those going through loss is that it is not uncommon for friendships to change. Some friends become even closer as they rally around the grieving person to offer support, care and love. Some friends seem to become more distant, as they struggle with how to behave and what to say. Some people just don’t know how to respond and withdraw. This is especially true when social stigma comes into play. There are still a lot of people in our society who are afraid of mental illness and do not know how to respond. A death by suicide may involve judgment from people who do not understand. Some friendships may be lost.
Realignments of friendships in the process of grief are not limited to sudden and traumatic loss, however. The loss of a loved one to a slow, chronic disease or to the effects of old age also can mean that friendships change. If you think about it, it makes sense. When you lose someone whom you have loved, your entire life is affected. Many things change. Some friendships change because grief changes the individual. Priorities and activities shift. A friendship that is based on a common interest can be lost when the interest is lost.
Joseph Marshall III is one of the best interpreters of Lakota Culture in contemporary America. His many books give non-Lakota persons a view of the history and values of Lakota people. By drawing on the stories of pre-reservation life, he is able to identify enduring values that are carried forward in the vastly altered social structures of contemporary Native American society. A couple of years ago, he wrote a small book on leadership called The Power of Four. In it he uses Crazy Horse as an example to explore four qualities of leadership: Know Yourself, Know Your Friends, Know the Enemy, and Take the Lead.
I have been reflecting on leadership lately as we prepare for our annual meeting as a congregation. The annual meeting is always a good time for a pastor to take stock, do a little self-evaluation, determine what changes might be required, and rededicate him or her self to the calling of the church. All people need regular evaluation and self-evaluation is important. In our congregation we also have a Pastoral Relations and Personnel committee who assist with periodic review of the relationship between the pastor and the congregation. So I have been trying to take Marshall’s advice about knowing oneself seriously. Knowing oneself requires honesty and integrity. It is of no use to be deluded by a fantasy of what one wants to be. Although dreams and goals for change are important, there is no substitute for an honest evaluation of strengths and weaknesses, abilities and disabilities, successes and failures. If nothing else, honesty encourages humility. None of us is perfect. We all make mistakes.
This year, however, just past the one-year anniversary of my mother’s death, with the second birthday of my brother since he died just past and anticipating the anniversary of the death of my father-in-law in a few weeks, I am aware of how much grief is a part of my journey. Because I lost a sister just before I entered college and my father in the second year after my ordination, grief has always been a dynamic in my ministry. As painful as the process of grieving can be, it is essentially a good process and understanding grief, at least in part, can be very helpful to a minister walking through grief with people served.
What seems different to me at this phase of my life is that I am more aware than I was in the past of the realignment of friends in this particular journey of grief. It is not just a phenomenon of my personal life. It is also a dynamic in my professional life in the church. Perhaps Marshall has it right. Friendship and knowing one’s friends are important aspects of leadership. The shift in friends is not numerically dramatic. There are a couple of people that I have experienced as friends in the past who seem more distant right now. There are some new friends whose support has come to be very meaningful to me in this particular phase of my life. I don’t really think in this way very often, but if I were to make a list of friends of the projects and priorities that are most important to the congregation as it moves forward, there are some names that would be prominent in previous years that probably wouldn’t make this year’s list. This doesn’t mean that people have turned against me or against the ministries of the church. It just means that for whatever reasons we find ourselves less closely aligned than in the past.
It isn’t easy to have your minister going through grief. The grief of a leader reminds one of your own grief. Sometimes people don’t want to think of sadness and loss. Sometimes they are at different stages with their own grief.
I miss former friends. It is worth some time and effort to pursue these relationships, but I find myself a bit short of energy at times and don’t always find the strength to put forth the effort required.
Life in the church, like life in general, is constantly changing. A leader responds to the changes in the congregation as well as personal changes in him or her self. Henri Nouwen reminds pastors that we are all “wounded healers.” The things that appear to be our weaknesses can be our greatest strengths for ministry. My prayer for this time in my ministry is that I can set aside my fear of change and become open to the power of transformation.
There is more that is yet to be revealed.