One blog wouldn’t be enough words to make a simple list of all of the things my father taught me. Even if I were to find the right words to express my gratitude for my father, I would need to write another equally appreciative essay of thanksgiving for all of the things my father-in-law taught me. When it comes to fathers, I was incredibly fortunate.

Not every father is as wonderful. I see examples of frightened fathers who run away from responsibility. I’ve witnessed selfish fathers who put their own wants ahead of the needs of their children. I can tell stories of fathers who lacked the skill to cope with the demands of their children. I know of men who became fathers before they were mature enough to provide what their children needed. I’ve seen children who were abused and neglected by their fathers.

I also know the stories of fathers who, through no fault of their own, were forced to leave their children all too soon. Accidents and illnesses have taken fathers away from families. Death sometimes comes all too soon. Families become reconfigured because of complex relationships. Divorces are not always the fault of the father. In fact, assigning blame in a failed relationship is a tricky business. When a relationship fails, it may be that neither individual has failed. Life is complicated. People make decisions that have huge consequences. Sometimes we make mistakes.

I was 28 when I became a father. It was just months after the death of my father. I had my doubts. I wanted to live up to the values I had been taught. I wondered if I would be equal to the task. But I don’t remember ever questioning my becoming a father. It seems to be something that I have always wanted to do and once I became a father, it seems like one of the most important parts of my identity.

Dreaming about something is not the same as the reality. There are things that you cannot imagine until they occur. I like to take my time getting to know someone. I used to scoff as people who talked about love at first sight. Loving someone involves getting to know that person. Love grows and develops over time and must be nurtured by active caring. But when I was handed my son and when I was handed my daughter it was absolutely love at first sight. It is an emotion that I cannot describe, but I instantly knew in both cases that this was someone with whom I wanted to become totally devoted without reservation. I got to repeat the experience with a grandson.

All along the journey of being a father there have been surprises. Most of them have been wonderful. There have been many occasions when I took my inspiration from my father and from my father-in-law. I had such good examples in my life that I frequently asked myself what would my father have done. There were many complex decisions in the seasons of separation when our children became adults. Sometimes I didn’t know how much or what ways to help. Sometimes I was letting go when my instinct was to hold tighter. Sometimes I had to allow our children to make their own decisions when I would have made a different decision. In this I had great examples from my father who taught me “fair isn’t always equal.” My father in law taught me, “no matter what we’re going to keep talking to each other.”

One of the unexpected joys of this stage of my life is watching our son be a father. Our son and his family live a long way away from our home, so we use video chat to keep in touch. Watching our son play with his son delights me. I can see a lot of my father in my son. Since our son never met my father face-to-face I have to assume that a bit of my dad was conveyed to our son through me. A legacy of love is the most important inheritance you can pass on from generation to generation.

I know that the behavior of fathers can be a theological problem for some. When we pray the Lord’s Prayer, I find the beginning to be deeply meaningful. When I say “Our father,” I know that I am not addressing my own father. I also know that Jesus’ original address in the prayer was “Abba” which is closer to “Daddy,” than our formal “Our Father.” Having had a wonderful father and father-in-law gives me all kinds of positive associations with the greeting we use to address God. But I once spent a couple of hours talking with a woman who had been severely abused by her own father. The beginning of the prayer was a barrier. She said, “I just can’t think of God as father. God is good. God is love. My father was neither.” The conversation really opened my eyes. There is a remembrance of her witness in my prayers. I have found other modes of addressing God and sometimes when I am not leading public prayers, I begin Jesus’ prayer, “Creator, who art in heaven . . .” simply to honor those who have experienced pain at the hands of earthly fathers. I have used this woman’s story as a way of teaching about prayer and opening the minds of others to different ways of addressing God.

Like millions of others on this father’s day I give thanks for my father and for my father-in-law. How much their lives constituted a blessing for me and for the others they knew! What a responsibility I carry to pass on the legacy of love that they gave to me. With a little luck and a lot of care, perhaps my son-in-law and daughter-in-law will experience some of the unconditional love that I received from my father-in-law. There are many relationships that can be filled with love and support that are not the result of our personal choices. Sometimes people are gifts that come into our lives. Family is much stronger than genetics or biology.
Happy father’s day! May this day bring you pleasant memories and the awareness of the legacy that is yours to share.

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