Relationships that Endure
28/06/12 05:28
Susan and I recently celebrated our 39th wedding anniversary. It seems surprising to me how quickly the years have passed. Somehow we have become elders to quite a few folks. That is not a bad thing. Yesterday we once again had the joy of meeting with a couple who is planning their wedding. We still have quite a few weddings at the church each year. A single member of our church staff officiates at most weddings and we divide them up, so no one person has to officiate at more than four or five a year. Once in a while we will co-officiate with two or more pastors taking part in the liturgy. At that pace, I really enjoy weddings. The best part of the process for me is working with the couples. As we plan the ceremonies, I get an opportunity to know the couples better and to hear the reasons why they are willing to make a commitment.
Of course, their commitment is not a guarantee. In the United States the overall divorce rate has remained right at 50% for the duration of our careers. The divorce rate had a brief spurt after World War II, followed by a decline, then started rising in the 1960’s and even more quickly in the 1970’s. It then leveled off in the 1980’s and there has been a slight decline in the statistics. The statistics of divorce, however, don’t quite tell the whole story. At the same time that the divorce rate has stabilized, the usual lifestyle for young adults is to live together for a period of time in a sort of informal trial marriage. These relationships frequently do not last. And the breakups of some of these relationships are as painful and complicated as many divorces. There are many people who have experienced difficult breakups in relationships that are not included in the statistics. Also of note is the fact that the average age of first marriage is approaching ten years older than was the case at the end of World War II. This change means that the average couple is more mature at the point of marriage. Additionally, there is a growing number of committed couples who live in common-law relationship rather than marriage. This is quite common among elder couples who fear reduction in pension or social security payments or who want to avoid the complexities of new estate planning and asset management.
So the real number of divorces is hard to determine. What I know from experience is that it happens. A significant number of the couples at whose marriages I have officiated have become divorced over the years. I suppose that the statistics on marriage are similar to those of the wider culture, though it seems to me the divorce rate among couples married in our church is slightly lower. This is born out by the Bana Report that attempted to determine variation in divorce rates among Christian faith groups. The report showed a higher divorce rate among non-denominational and evangelical Christians and Baptists, about the same divorce rate among mainline Protestants and Mormons, and slightly lower divorce rates among Catholics. This study, however has a major flaw in that it did not evaluate the church relationship prior to or at the time of divorce. It only counted the number of divorced persons in the particular communions. It is likely that a few divorced persons move away from the Catholic Church because of its teachings on divorce. It is likely that some divorced persons are attracted to congregations that are a bit less judgmental about divorce. I know of no study that has accurate statistics about these things.
What I do know is that a relatively high percentage of our population has experienced divorce. And I also know that divorce occurs even when there is a high level of commitment.
On the other hand, there does seem to be a culture of low commitment about a whole lot of things in our society. People seem to be quite willing to leave relationships. And marriage is not the only relationship that people leave. Studies have illustrated that people will move away from neighborhood problems. They will move to change school districts. People are fickle in their shopping and brand loyalties and make frequent changes. And the pattern of life-long commitment to a particular church is largely becoming a thing of the past. While we do have some very dedicated church members, it seems that commitment is lower than it used to be.
This decrease in commitment is seen in part by people leaving the church. But we also witness a decrease in the level of involvement. People are less likely to give their time and energy to their churches. They come with an expectation of what the church might offer to them, but with little willingness to offer much to the church.
The problem with this is that the church, like many other things in life, is a place where you get more out of it when you put more into it. It is a relationship. And the relationship is not one of consumption, but rather of shared ministry.
We need to be about the business of helping people to form faith that encourages long-term commitments. A relationship with a church has some parallels with a marriage. There is a wonderful and beautiful adrenalin surge of a new relationship. In the beginning, new members are often enthusiastic and exhibit lots of energy for church activities and events. They are excited to come to church and eager to share this newfound discovery with others.
When the relationship goes well, the adrenaline surge gives way to a deeper, quieter core. At the core of the relationship is a trust and a commitment that demonstrates that the parties in the relationship can endure hardship and remain connected. The experience of going through trials together can strengthen the relationship. What remains may seem less energetic, but is no less fulfilling.
When we work with couples planning a marriage, we often speak of the joy of a relationship that has endured. We even talk about the joy of growing old together. We emphasize the truth that the future is not predictable and that a marriage is a relationship that has to be able to grow into new circumstances and new realities.
Perhaps a similar conversation would be in order for new church members. Instead of just speaking about what the church has to offer, perhaps we need to also ask, “What commitment do you bring to this relationship?”
Our society would benefit from more learning about how to forge relationships that endure.
So the real number of divorces is hard to determine. What I know from experience is that it happens. A significant number of the couples at whose marriages I have officiated have become divorced over the years. I suppose that the statistics on marriage are similar to those of the wider culture, though it seems to me the divorce rate among couples married in our church is slightly lower. This is born out by the Bana Report that attempted to determine variation in divorce rates among Christian faith groups. The report showed a higher divorce rate among non-denominational and evangelical Christians and Baptists, about the same divorce rate among mainline Protestants and Mormons, and slightly lower divorce rates among Catholics. This study, however has a major flaw in that it did not evaluate the church relationship prior to or at the time of divorce. It only counted the number of divorced persons in the particular communions. It is likely that a few divorced persons move away from the Catholic Church because of its teachings on divorce. It is likely that some divorced persons are attracted to congregations that are a bit less judgmental about divorce. I know of no study that has accurate statistics about these things.
What I do know is that a relatively high percentage of our population has experienced divorce. And I also know that divorce occurs even when there is a high level of commitment.
On the other hand, there does seem to be a culture of low commitment about a whole lot of things in our society. People seem to be quite willing to leave relationships. And marriage is not the only relationship that people leave. Studies have illustrated that people will move away from neighborhood problems. They will move to change school districts. People are fickle in their shopping and brand loyalties and make frequent changes. And the pattern of life-long commitment to a particular church is largely becoming a thing of the past. While we do have some very dedicated church members, it seems that commitment is lower than it used to be.
This decrease in commitment is seen in part by people leaving the church. But we also witness a decrease in the level of involvement. People are less likely to give their time and energy to their churches. They come with an expectation of what the church might offer to them, but with little willingness to offer much to the church.
The problem with this is that the church, like many other things in life, is a place where you get more out of it when you put more into it. It is a relationship. And the relationship is not one of consumption, but rather of shared ministry.
We need to be about the business of helping people to form faith that encourages long-term commitments. A relationship with a church has some parallels with a marriage. There is a wonderful and beautiful adrenalin surge of a new relationship. In the beginning, new members are often enthusiastic and exhibit lots of energy for church activities and events. They are excited to come to church and eager to share this newfound discovery with others.
When the relationship goes well, the adrenaline surge gives way to a deeper, quieter core. At the core of the relationship is a trust and a commitment that demonstrates that the parties in the relationship can endure hardship and remain connected. The experience of going through trials together can strengthen the relationship. What remains may seem less energetic, but is no less fulfilling.
Perhaps a similar conversation would be in order for new church members. Instead of just speaking about what the church has to offer, perhaps we need to also ask, “What commitment do you bring to this relationship?”
Our society would benefit from more learning about how to forge relationships that endure.