I remember back in the 1970’s when a college professor became divorced. Then it happened to another and another. The same was happening to ministers. What had been once unheard of - divorce among clergy and other highly educated professionals - became common in a very short amount of time. By 1990, it was estimated that more than half of the clergy divorces in all of history had occurred in a two-decade span.

Clergy who have been divorced are no longer an anomaly. There are plenty of clergy serving congregations who have been divorced and remarried. I have colleagues who continued to serve their congregations through the process of becoming divorced, though a change in call often accompanies such a major change in lifestyle.

Dealing with divorce and the complex sets of relationships that follow is a normal part of life these days. I’ve become accustomed to helping couples figure out the dynamics of who sits where and how to manage different expectations and roles when divorced and remarried parents and stepparents are part of wedding ceremonies. I’ve worked hard to find the right words for a funeral when I know that both the ex-wife and the current wife are grieving the death of the same man, but that their feelings toward him are distinctly different and their feelings toward each other are not pleasant.

You can like the status of the contemporary family or you can be upset about it, but you will still have to deal with it. It is simply a reality.

Most of us, who serve the church, have a few stories about the stepmother who thought that she was in charge of the wedding or the ex-husband whose toast was decidedly inappropriate at the reception. I’ve learned to carefully go through the ceremony with the couple - with no parents or stepparents present - and then become a bit of a dictator at wedding rehearsals out of a sense of time management. There is no particular gain in having what should be a half hour event disrupted by disagreements that I am unable to solve.

There are, however, some incredible displays of forgiveness and love that I have witnessed. I remember a time when an ex-wife helped through every stage of funeral planning for her divorced husband out of love and concern for her young adult children who were grieving the death of their father. She clearly put her concern for her children over her own comfort and since I could see it so plainly, I’m sure that they were grateful that whatever had come between their parents was not allowed to detract from their celebration of their father’s life.

As a pastor, one of the things that I have to remind myself is that I don’t know the whole story. I am witness to part of people’s lives, but there are many things about them that I don’t know. Even in this congregation, where I have served for two decades and have watched marriages blossom and fade and children grow into adulthood and officiated at multiple occasions in the life of a single family, I know only part of the story.

There is always more than meets the eye.

There is always more than what gets said out loud.

These are things of which I must remind myself nearly daily as I work with individuals and families.

One place where my work can be challenging is in the area of unacknowledged widows. Living together without being married is very common. The relationships that are formed often are deep and significant and when a death occurs the grief felt by the surviving partner is very much akin to that felt by a widow. The legal rights and responsibilities might be very different, however. I’ve been involved when parents have rushed in and taken over all of the funeral planning, leaving the surviving partner without a role in the process, and often without access to the shared living space and shared possessions. I’ve witnessed arguments over possession of the cards written to grieving families. I’ve learned to offer the copy machine to make copies so that two sets of memorial cards can be produced.

‘It can be less confusing when the roles are clearly identified and acknowledged, but there are always differences when it comes time to plan a funeral because different people knew the deceased in different ways and they grieve in different ways.

I am quick to say that grief is one thing that our church does well. When a family has an on-going relationship with the church, there are many more structures to support them in their grief than is the case with people who turn to the church only for a ceremony and are not known by the congregation. Our church is gracious about doing what it can regardless of the membership status of the grieving family, but there is less support for those who are not known. The relationships aren’t established.

All of this is dancing in my mind today because it is the day of a funeral of a man who was active in our congregation while his family was not. He sang in the choir and was a part of that group in our church for several years following his retirement. Over the years we established enough of a relationship to have seen his children and grandchildren on occasion. We never got to really know them, however. Now he has died and we need to minister to the grieving family, even though they are not easily recognized by the majority of the congregation.

I have no doubt that the funeral will be well done. The lunch will be served with grace and care. The ushers will do their part. The church will demonstrate hospitality and compassion. it will, however, be an event confined to today. After today the people will go back to their own communities and we will not have access to provide continuing support.

We live in a complex world with complex relationships. And we serve as best as we are able in this world. In this generation, as has been true for all generations, we do what we are able and know that we have to trust God with much that is beyond our reach.

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