When I was studying pastoral counseling, there was a distinction drawn between sympathy and empathy. Sympathy was generally defined as feelings of sorrow or pity for someone else’s misfortune while empathy was understood as the ability to share another’s feelings. The distinction is subtle, and perhaps not completely borne out by the dictionary definitions or etymology of the terms, but there is a difference between those who acknowledge another’s pain and those who share it.

I was thinking about the difference between sympathy and empathy yesterday after meeting with a congregational member who was widowed a few months ago after a long and apparently happy marriage. The journey of grief has been difficult and there is a long road ahead for this individual. Things are confused by the complexity of the situation. There is loneliness and the feelings that come from an empty home. There are feelings of remorse for things that might have been different. There is wondering about the nature of death and what happens after death for the one so beloved. On the one hand, I can assure the person that the feelings are normal and experienced by others. On the other hand, I know that each person’s grief is unique and that the nature of grief is that it increases the sense of isolation.

I try to check in with those who are grieving as they travel their journey. I want to extend the support and care of the church to them not only at the time of loss, but as they move toward recovery of some sense of balance and normalcy.

Is my interaction sympathy or empathy? I hope and believe that I am avoiding the most crass forms of sympathy where pity is expressed and there may even be a sense of relief that I am not the victim of the events that have caused another’s pain. On the other hand, I am not sure that I can achieve full empathy - the ability to fully share and understand the feelings of another. My experiences are different. I have not experienced the death of a spouse. I don’t really know what it is like to live alone. I can understand to a point, but there is something about the truly unique experience of grief that means that I don’t really know what another person is experiencing, even when that person is trying hard to explain what is happening.

Even though our experiences are different, we do share a common journey of grief, however. Having lived in community and experienced the life of deepening relationships that is a part of the church, an individual isn’t the only one who experiences loss when a death occurs. Our community - our church - has lost a beloved member. We are all grieving together. The experience is different for each person, but we share a common loss and a common grief.

Sharing another’s grief may be the best of which we are capable in this life. I believe that I am helpful when I acknowledge the reality of the pain and loss and affirm that the tears and sorrow are natural and normal parts of the process.

For practical purposes, I tend to think of sympathy as the ability to acknowledge and understand on an intellectual level the feelings of another. I’ve read a lot of books about grief and I’ve invested some time in learning about its stages and elements. I can often offer insights that the person experiencing grief does not know. Insights and understanding can be helpful.

Empathy, on the other hand, is a term for the sharing of the experience. Of course we are each unique individuals and we cannot fully share another’s emotions. On the other hand we can allow ourselves to enter into another’s feelings and experience things from their point of view.

To put it in another way. I don’t experience pain when I am sympathetic. Expressing empathy means entering into the pain and experiencing another’s pain.

I have learned that avoiding pain isn’t the most meaningful path for my life’s journey. Sometimes pain needs to be experienced in order to grow. Pain is an effective teacher. Although I wouldn’t wish pain for myself or another, I know that sometimes pain has to be confronted and experienced. Avoiding pain can also mean avoiding deep relationship. Avoiding pain can mean missing the joys of community. Grief is born out of love. If we didn’t love others, we would not mourn their loss.

By practicing empathy we open our minds and hearts to understanding not only how others experience the world, but also how our actions affect others. Empathy is the foundation of morality - of making the right choices with an understanding that what we choose affects others.

A Canadian comedy show, The Red Green Show, had a regular segment that always ended with the words, “Remember, we’re all in this together.” Those words are sage advice. When we remember our essential connection with other people, we are able to open ourselves to experiencing their pain we can become active participants in easing pain. Seeing how our behavior affects others, we can make choices to ease their pain and suffering.

For a grieving person who has lost their spouse, the feelings of loneliness can be lessened by my decision to remain an active partner with the grieving person. I can make a phone call from time to time. I can arrange a visit or offer a cup of coffee. I can invest my time in listening even when I don’t have solutions or sage advice to offer. Just knowing that “we are all in this together,” can be a comfort to another persons who is experiencing deep loneliness.

That is where our faith really shines. We affirm that God loves us so much that God becomes one of us to experience the fullness of human life. We believe that because of God’s love, we are never truly alone. Even when we cannot find human companionship, God offers divine love.

Sometimes, when I get it right, I can be an agent of that love and share it with others.

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