Nearly 4 decades ago, we received news that a pastor friend of ours was getting divorced. It wasn’t the pastor of our church, but rather someone we had met at church camp. We didn’t know any of the details, but later learned that the pastor was getting married to a member of the congregation he served, who had also been recently divorced. At the time divorces were relatively rare among pastors and this was considered to be a bit of a scandal. I remember commenting to someone, “Well, it doesn’t seem like he traded up in the deal.”

One of the lessons of my life is that there are all kinds of things that happen - and all kinds of decisions that others make - that don’t make sense to me. People do things that I don’t understand. Friends and family members make decisions about marriage and divorce that I don’t understand. People make career choices that I don’t understand. I am still a bit surprised at how often people will vote against their own best interests.

If there is a lesson from observing other people it might be that there are all kinds of things that I don’t have to understand. I don’t have to understand the reasons for someone’s action in order to accept that person. Most of the time when I am feeling judgmental, the truth is that I’m not being asked to offer my judgement.

What I’m being asked is for my acceptance.

It reminds me, once again, of Reinhold Niebuhr’s serenity prayer: “God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed.”

I am able to accept, sometimes even with serenity, many things that I don’t understand. I don’t have to get inside the head of another person and figure out what kind of logic that person employed in making a certain decision. I don’t have to agree with the choices that have been made. I don’t have to try to convince another to see things my way.

In my experience friends and family members don’t want me to offer advice on many of the details of their lives. They don’t want to think the way that I think. They don’t want to make the kind of decisions that I might make. They have their own thoughts and intentions and feelings and they make their own choices.

It is, however, still a bit surprising to me how much effort and energy people invest in trying to convert the thinking and decisions of those in their family. “Pastor, how can I get him to see things my way?” It is a question I’ve often heard. It probably isn’t reassuring to the person asking the question for me to say that really you can’t get another person to see things your way.

There is, of course, more to the prayer that Niebuhr wrote. In addition to the grace to accept, the prayer asks for “Courage to change the things which should be changed.” It also asks for “the Wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.”

There have been times in my life when I have lacked all three qualities asked for in the prayer; grace, courage and wisdom. I think that I assumed that these things would be somewhat developmental - that as I age, I would gain more grace, courage and wisdom. Perhaps there is some truth to that, but I’m not sure that I am more courageous than was the case when I was much younger. Some days it feels as if I was more courageous back then. And as for wisdom, it seems to come in relatively small doses compared to the significant problems and challenges of life. I hope and pray that I am growing in wisdom, but some days offer little evidence that this is the case.

I have observed that many people are often unhappy because they cannot change the behavior or decisions made by another. The genius of the serenity prayer, it seems to me, is as clearly revealed in its second half as in the first - and much more familiar - beginning:

“Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.”

“Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,” and “taking . . . this sinful world as it is, not as i would have it” - those are significant challenges. We’ve been taught to overcome hardship, not accept it. We’ve been groomed to change the sinful world, not accept it as it is. There is a part of me that wants to rebel at these suggestions.

It is, I think, a prayer worthy of returning to again and again. That, of course, is true of many prayers. At least for a person whose brain works like mine repetition is essential to learning and one of the keys to deeper understanding.

God has heard the prayer a million times and more. God doesn’t need to hear Niebuhr’s words again. I, however, need to hear those words. And I need to offer them to God. The prayer is much more about shaping my attitude than affecting God’s will.

That would be true of all genuine prayer.

I try to begin and end each day with prayer - and offer prayers often during the day. Many of the prayers are with words from my own head and experience. Others are without words, simply taking time to be with God. But I am also deeply aware of the power of the words of others to provide a pathway for my prayers. Reinhold Niebuhr is just one of the writers whose prayers have become deeply meaningful to me.

Perhaps, in place of trying to understand others, I should simply try to pray their prayers with them.

For someone who has been around for as many years as I have, it seems that I still have an awfully lot left to learn.

I wrote this. If you want to copy it, please ask for permission. There is a contact me button at the bottom of this page. If you want to share my blog a friend, please direct your friend to my web site.