Additional thoughts
22/07/16 05:09
Reading over yesterday’s blog, I think I missed the point that I had in mind when I began writing. This is not particularly uncommon for me. I ramble off topic and end up in a different place than I intended. It might be a sign of aging, but I have never been completely focused either in my writing or in my storytelling. So, I guess today’s blog will be a “chapter two” or “the rest of the story.” The topic, roughly, was online dating and the process of choosing a friend or partner through social media. It is not something about which I have particular expertise. Online dating is a product far more recent than the time before I met and married my wife.
It isn’t the technology that bothers me. It isn’t even the somewhat impersonal nature of electronic communications that raises red flags in my mind. There is another aspect to the contemporary social media-mediated dating scene about which I would caution young adults today.
The concept of an online dating service is one of lining up all of the possible candidates and then searching through the throng until one finds the “perfect” match. Most of the online dating services use a variety of different algorithms to conduct that search, matching similarities in preferences, political ideologies, recreational activities and other aspects. The various sites have different forms of questionnaires designed to determine compatibility. Each site has a visual component, with candidates submitting photographs that they believe will make them appear attractive to potential mates. All of the sites seem to be based on the notion that somewhere out there the perfect match is waiting for each person.
I don’t think relationships work that way.
I don’t think love works that way.
It isn’t a matter of seeking out the perfect mate. Such an effort will inevitably end up with someone feeling that the match is somehow less than perfect and that there is another potential mate out there that was somehow missed.
Love is a matter of growing together, exploring together all of the aspects of life, and learning to change while accepting the changes in your partner.
To be blunt, I’m not the same person at 63 years of age that I was at 20. 43 years of living has also resulted in growth and change in my wife. The strength of our marriage is not based on somehow having made the perfect match decades ago, but rather on a commitment to growing together as we care for one another.
I admit that we didn’t have the technology available to conduct a world-wide search for mates when we first met. But it is also true that we didn’t need that technology. We found each other and in each other found love and then chose to make commitments of our love. And those promises have made all of the difference in the world.
In that process we have discovered that it is not just similarities that make for a strong relationship. Differences are essential as well. We have different personalities when it comes to rising in the morning and going to sleep at night. In the evening, I fade quickly and become tired with a bit less winding down than Susan. In the morning she is slower to wake and rise. In the early days of our marriage, when we were both full time students sharing the same manual typewriter, it was an advantage because she could work into the evening at a time when I didn’t need access to the machine and I could type in the morning when she didn’t need it. We could share textbooks for class in a similar manner, though during most of our student careers we were taking different classes. Later, when we were parents and our children stretched the limits of our ability to stay awake and effective, our different natures gave us the ability to trade parenting responsibilities smoothly. These days when we are officially empty nesters, our differences grant each of us a few moments of personal time without taking anything away from the other or distracting from the time that we spend together.
That is just one example of how differences strengthen a relationship. We also have different skills and talents that expand our abilities to reach out to others and accomplish the work of our lives.
I would say that we found a match that is perfect for us and certainly our love and commitment has deepened and become more rich as the years have passed. Had we each had another hundred or more persons from which to choose when we were first forming our relationship, I’m not sure that it would have made things any easier. In a way the extensive options available to young adults today seems to make the choice of a partner more difficult. There must always be the feeling that someone better is just around the corner. How many potential mates does one try before settling? How does one know if the best mate is discovered early in the process?
Marriage isn’t about comparison shopping in the first place. It is about relationship building. And building relationships is work, but that work is joyful, not oppressive. Investing enough time to really know the other and to become truly known is a gratifying experience. Time invested in relationship building is never wasted. There is real pleasure in listening and talking until a few great ideas and a few great concepts have similar meaning for both of you and both of you know that it is so. Sharing art and music and exploring the similarities and differences in the nuances of style and perception is a worthy endeavor.
I feel fortunate to have been at the stage of dating and exploring when it occurred in my life. My life is no less meaningful or rich without having participated in dating web sites and using technology to find a mate. On the other hand those who do initiate relationships using contemporary media might be richly blessed by the results.
From my point of view, however, it is what happens after you begin to spend time together face to face that is critical, not how you find each other in the first place.
It isn’t the technology that bothers me. It isn’t even the somewhat impersonal nature of electronic communications that raises red flags in my mind. There is another aspect to the contemporary social media-mediated dating scene about which I would caution young adults today.
The concept of an online dating service is one of lining up all of the possible candidates and then searching through the throng until one finds the “perfect” match. Most of the online dating services use a variety of different algorithms to conduct that search, matching similarities in preferences, political ideologies, recreational activities and other aspects. The various sites have different forms of questionnaires designed to determine compatibility. Each site has a visual component, with candidates submitting photographs that they believe will make them appear attractive to potential mates. All of the sites seem to be based on the notion that somewhere out there the perfect match is waiting for each person.
I don’t think relationships work that way.
I don’t think love works that way.
It isn’t a matter of seeking out the perfect mate. Such an effort will inevitably end up with someone feeling that the match is somehow less than perfect and that there is another potential mate out there that was somehow missed.
Love is a matter of growing together, exploring together all of the aspects of life, and learning to change while accepting the changes in your partner.
To be blunt, I’m not the same person at 63 years of age that I was at 20. 43 years of living has also resulted in growth and change in my wife. The strength of our marriage is not based on somehow having made the perfect match decades ago, but rather on a commitment to growing together as we care for one another.
I admit that we didn’t have the technology available to conduct a world-wide search for mates when we first met. But it is also true that we didn’t need that technology. We found each other and in each other found love and then chose to make commitments of our love. And those promises have made all of the difference in the world.
In that process we have discovered that it is not just similarities that make for a strong relationship. Differences are essential as well. We have different personalities when it comes to rising in the morning and going to sleep at night. In the evening, I fade quickly and become tired with a bit less winding down than Susan. In the morning she is slower to wake and rise. In the early days of our marriage, when we were both full time students sharing the same manual typewriter, it was an advantage because she could work into the evening at a time when I didn’t need access to the machine and I could type in the morning when she didn’t need it. We could share textbooks for class in a similar manner, though during most of our student careers we were taking different classes. Later, when we were parents and our children stretched the limits of our ability to stay awake and effective, our different natures gave us the ability to trade parenting responsibilities smoothly. These days when we are officially empty nesters, our differences grant each of us a few moments of personal time without taking anything away from the other or distracting from the time that we spend together.
That is just one example of how differences strengthen a relationship. We also have different skills and talents that expand our abilities to reach out to others and accomplish the work of our lives.
I would say that we found a match that is perfect for us and certainly our love and commitment has deepened and become more rich as the years have passed. Had we each had another hundred or more persons from which to choose when we were first forming our relationship, I’m not sure that it would have made things any easier. In a way the extensive options available to young adults today seems to make the choice of a partner more difficult. There must always be the feeling that someone better is just around the corner. How many potential mates does one try before settling? How does one know if the best mate is discovered early in the process?
Marriage isn’t about comparison shopping in the first place. It is about relationship building. And building relationships is work, but that work is joyful, not oppressive. Investing enough time to really know the other and to become truly known is a gratifying experience. Time invested in relationship building is never wasted. There is real pleasure in listening and talking until a few great ideas and a few great concepts have similar meaning for both of you and both of you know that it is so. Sharing art and music and exploring the similarities and differences in the nuances of style and perception is a worthy endeavor.
I feel fortunate to have been at the stage of dating and exploring when it occurred in my life. My life is no less meaningful or rich without having participated in dating web sites and using technology to find a mate. On the other hand those who do initiate relationships using contemporary media might be richly blessed by the results.
From my point of view, however, it is what happens after you begin to spend time together face to face that is critical, not how you find each other in the first place.