I am not sure, but I think I may be witnessing a shift in our culture. My observations may be influenced by differences in region. They also might be the result of a lot of other factors, so there is doubt in my mind about how universal these changes are, but it certainly seems, from my perspective, that some things have changed in dramatic ways.

To understand this, I need to remind myself that I retired at a moment of intense change in the life of the church and in people’s participation in religious institutions. I announced my retirement, set a date, and then the Covid-19 pandemic hit. During my last Holy Week as a pastor, our congregation cancelled all in-person worship. By the time of my official retirement in June, we still weren’t worshiping indoors in person. My retirement service was held outside, with folks spread out across the parking lot. Since that time, most congregations have been able to go back to in-person worship in their sanctuaries, but virtually all now offer online worship services with the option for worshipers to participate over Zoom, Facebook, or other media streaming platform. Churches are equipped with cameras and sophisticated audio-visual systems to make remote participation work for members and friends.

That shift, however, is not primarily the focus of my thoughts today. The shift I think I am witnessing is in the way funerals are observed in our culture. Over the span of my career, when a death occurred in a congregation I served, the first thing I did upon hearing about that death was to contact the family. Most of the time, this involved a visit to the family home within minutes or hours of the moment I learned of the death. Most of the time, I arrived before any funeral plans had been made. I often guided the family through the process of setting a date and time, planning a service and a fellowship time following the service, and journeyed with them through the initial stages of grief. I gave them information about the process of grieving and I supported them in a variety of different ways. During those initial visits, I learned as much as I could about their loved one and encouraged the family to tell stories and remember, keeping notes on the things they shared and choosing some of those memories for inclusion in the service.

During the pandemic, families were forced to extend the time between their loss and the funeral or memorial service. Often they arranged for a private committal service with a memorial to follow weeks or months later. The process of grieving was extended in many ways. The role of the pastor shifted, too. Because of fears of spreading illness, pastors began to meet remotely with grieving families, using the telephone or online video chats in place of home visits. I was retired by this time. I didn’t have to navigate this change in how pastors responded to loss and grief.

Now we are emerging from the pandemic. Congregations are meeting face to face. Funerals are being held in the church once again. But it seems to me that a lot has changed. When a death occurs in our congregation, I’ve noticed that the pastor almost always responds with a series of telephone conversations. When a meeting is set up to plan a funeral, it often occurs in the church building, with family members coming to the pastor instead of the other way around. Funerals are hybrid, with some people attending in person and others participating online. Immediate families gather, but extended family members often participate through the online service.

Maybe it is just me - a somewhat cranky old retired pastor who is often critical of younger colleagues - but it seems like pastors are officiating at funerals without really knowing the families they are serving. Funeral services seem to be much less personal and more generic. To be clear, I was critical of funeral services offered by other pastors long before I retired. Because of my work with suicide response, I attended more funerals at which I was not the officiant. I have witnessed a lot of reading services from the book with a name inserted here and there. I have heard a lot of pastors trying to offer comfort without sharing the pain and loss of the family. I’ve done my share of criticizing what seems to me to be pastors who are unwilling to do the hard work of serving those in their congregation at times of loss and grief. I bent over backwards to make things work for the families I served. There were times when it was a lot of work. There were days when I scheduled more than one funeral in the same day. There were times when I lost a lot of sleep and cancelled other plans to make things work for families. This may still be the case, but it doesn’t seem like it to me.

The culture may not really be shifting. I may be observing too small of a sample to make conclusions, but I am disappointed in the services provided by some of my colleagues. It seems to me like they are simply unwilling to do the hard work and make the sacrifices that our vocation demands. And that makes me sad because grieving families deserve more from the church. They shouldn’t have to consider the convenience of the pastor in their journeys of grief. They shouldn’t have to schedule around the pastor’s day off or other events that make for busy times for those who serve.

I hope that the culture is not shifting away from churches serving in the role of primary caregivers to those who grieve. I hope that congregations will continue to find ways to provide love and support to those who have experienced loss. I hope that people will continue to turn to the church at times of loss even if they have not previously been active in church life.

I know that things are changing. I know that the future is not the same as the past. I am not hoping to go back to the way it used to be. And I try to keep my criticisms to myself for the most part. But I am sad when I see the church fail to live up to its potential. I am sad when I see pastors who seem more concerned with self-care than service. I am grateful that my active career occurred when it did. I hope that the dynamics of church life will shift back once again to a focus on serving those in our care.