I have lost track of how many annual meetings of Conferences of the United Church of Christ I have attended. I started attending the annual meeting of the Conference before I went to seminary and before I was married. Annual meetings have involved a significant amount of travel at times. When we began to serve congregations, back in the 1970’s, it was assumed that attending the annual meeting of the Conference was part of the job of being a pastor. I didn’t think of missing attending the meeting in person. For most of my career, I was attracted to the meeting because of the opportunities to meet with colleagues, share our love of the church, participate in worship and listen to keynote speakers, often leaders of the church who served in national and international positions. I went to the meetings to be inspired and to renew my energy and commitment to serving in the church.

Over the years, I have served on a lot of Conference committees. I have been on the planning teams for Conference annual meetings many times. I served as pastor of a congregation that was hosting the annual meeting twice during our time of serving in Rapid City.

A lot has changed over the years. I can remember meetings that involved a significant amount of tension. Before we went to seminary, we attended an annual meeting where there was controversy about who should be called as the next Conference Minister. I remember having conversations with people I knew and respected who were on both sides of the issue. There have been many times when I have disagreed with a resolution or a decision made by the Conference. Part of being a responsible member of a democratic institution is understanding and accepting the will of the majority even when one disagrees.

Things changed dramatically for me the year that I served as moderator of our Conference and was in a position leadership. I had moderated plenty of meetings by that time in my career. I had felt the tension of disagreement and understood the process of allowing for voices to be heard. I knew some strategies for addressing disagreement and tension. But I was not prepared for the circumstances of that meeting. There was a lot going on. Our conference was in the midst of a transition in leadership that involved a lot of tension and disagreement. I did not experience the level of support from the wider church that I expected.

We are human. Our institutions are flawed. When we come face to face with the limitations and flaws of our human institutions it can be disappointing.

I have said repeatedly that one of the things to which I was looking forward as I approached retirement was the freedom to attend fewer meetings. That is partially true, but not so in the case of Conference annual meetings. In our Conference, the one to which we moved upon retirement, attendance at Conference annual meetings is a clearly stated expectation of all clergy with standing. I am obligated to attend.

Last year’s meeting was online. I attended, but had the luxury of doing so mostly from home and with a sense of separation. I wasn’t invested in the debates and disagreements. I was a casual observer.

It will be different this year. The meeting has returned to an in-person, face-to-face meeting, although the meeting is technically hybrid, with online participation available. Our congregation is the host for the meeting. It is happening at our church this coming weekend. That means that much of my work time this week will be focused on that meeting. I’ll spend Friday, Saturday and Sunday attending meetings at the church and participating in the behind the scenes work that is part of hosting such meetings. We have already been preparing with a bit of intense housekeeping, sorting out supplies and preparing rooms so that they will be available for break out meetings and events. I’ll need to be available to assist with many details as one who has access to offices and workrooms and knows the layout of the building and how to operate the machines. In a way that is an advantage for me. I have no desire to be up front at such meetings. At least I have an office where I can “hide” when things get too crazy.

I am not invested in the politics of this conference. I don’t have any points that I feel I need to make. I’m not interested in participating in the debate. That doesn’t mean that I don’t care about the issues before the Conference. I do care. I just don’t need to be in charge and I don’t need to have my opinion hold sway. Maybe that level of detachment is one of the luxuries of being retired.

Still, the meeting of the Conference involves about the same number of hours that I work in a typical week and I’m still responsible for all of my other duties, which means that this week will involve about double the hours I usually work. I’ll put in some long days and more of them than is typical for me. It isn’t more work than when I was a full-time minister, but it is an increase from my semi-retired lifestyle.

I confess that I haven’t been looking forward to this week. It isn’t fair to say that I’ve been dreading it, but I haven’t discovered much enthusiasm for the meeting. It is, simply, one of those events where I will do what is required and look forward to the time when it is over.

Part of me is disappointed at my attitude. I used to live for meetings like this one. I used to be excited about them and plan with great anticipation. Those feelings just aren’t present for me this year. I need to give myself a good pep talk and adjust my attitude. There are some dedicated church leaders who will be present. There are some conversations that are meaningful and worthy of my time an attention.

I guess I’ll have to see how things play out. The week has arrived. I’ve got work to do. At least those who check on such things won’t have to worry about whether or not I’m going to show up. I’ll be there.