When our son in law asked me for permission to propose to our daughter, it was no surprise to me. I already knew that they planned to marry. I also knew that he wanted to make a formal request of me. I had time to think about how I would respond. So the first thing I said to him was, “You can have my permission, but I’m not the one who can make that decision. You have to get her permission to marry. It is her decision.” The second thing I said to him was, “You have to realize that she comes with a family. It is not just her that you get when you marry. It is all of us.”

My words to him probably weren’t sage advice or even that memorable to him, but they have been important to me over the years. One of the ways I know of their truth is the ways in which I continue to have married an entire family system when my wife and I married. One of the gifts of our life together has been that I have been included in her family.

I joke that of all of my in-laws’ children, I am their favorite. It is a joke because they were very, very careful not to show favoritism in any way. On the other hand, I was well-treated by my mother- and father-in-law. My father died when I was in my twenties, so I had my father-in-law as a mentor and guide for more years than I had my father. He was a natural teacher and he gave me the gift of many hours of his time. He worked with me on all kinds of projects. He was always up for a home repair or improvement. He was a careful listener and a wise mentor.

My mother-in-law was loving and protective of not only her daughters, but of me as well. She loved to find just the right present for a birthday or Christmas. She would make all of my favorite foods when we visited.

Together they were devoted and loving grandparents who taught me a lot about how to be a grandpa.

It didn’t stop with them.

Yesterday we had 17 people for dinner at our house and that was just our family and the family of one of Susan’s sisters. Her other sister wanted so much to be with us for this gathering, but her husband is struggling with a case of shingles and she needed to care for him. 17 people in three generations from 2 years old to 70. It was a bit crowded, a bit loud, and a lot of fun. Pies were baked. A huge dinner was prepared. Stories were told. Games were played. A couple of practical jokes were thrown in as well.

As I write, there are four guests in our house, five in our camper, and another sleeping at our son and daughter-in-law’s house.

“She comes with a family.” When we married, I couldn’t have imagined all of these people from the quiet family with three daughters whose eldest had become the love of my life. Even years later when we would get together with her sister and there would be five children, I couldn’t have imagined what it would be like to have those five and all of their spouses and children. The joke in those days was that we were capable of getting all five children crying at the same time, but it took a lot of effort. Yesterday we had six grandchildren and there was very little crying. The sounds were joyful and fun, even when only one could sit in the favorite chair at a time and pie and ice cream were served one at a time. Someone had to go first and everyone else had to wait a bit.

“She comes with a family,” has been a real blessing in my life. Her family continues to grow and change. I’ve been in this family since the days when there were two generations over than us. Her paternal grandmother lived to be 100 and to meet our children. Now we are the old folks and younger generations are assuming responsibility.

So we have found ourselves at a new place in our lives. As we figure out what retirement means and how we will manage this phase of our lives, we are shopping for a house. On the one hand, our needs are modest and we don’t want to purchase something that is too expensive or too much work to maintain. On the other hand, one of our biggest desires is to have room for guests and we aren’t looking for “a quiet community of seniors” as one advertisement put it. We are looking for a place that welcomes babies and children and parents and grandparents all together. And, as we proved again yesterday, we’re not all that good a being quiet.

We are, however, good at having a good time and being happy.

In just over a month, we’ve been together with both my side of the family and her side of the family, but we did it in two gatherings. I’m not sure I can quite imagine the chaos if we were to try to get all of our siblings together in one place. I do know that our nieces and nephews would have fun if they all got together and there are some really charming grandchildren in the mix as well.

Our family has a huge geographical spread. Married into our clan are members who came with family in Korea and Zambia and other countries. It would be impossible to really get all of the relatives together in one place at the same time. Despite the distances, however, we figure out how to get together and how to be family.

Not only do we want to have a home with room for guests, we want to save enough money so that we can travel to be with other family members.

For those who will fall in love with these children and grandchildren in years to come, just remember - they come with a family.