I’ve been known to joke about the differences between me and the brother who is closest to me in age. On occasion, I’ve said, “Either we didn’t grow up in the same house or he is the worst liar I’ve ever met.” Of course he isn’t a liar and we did grow up in the same house. We do have different memories about our growing up. Now that I have had time to study memories and how they function as well as how our memories can drift away from the actual facts, I understand that we both have embellished the stories that we tell the most often. We have had different life experiences and those experiences have shaped how we have interpreted the experiences of our past.

I also know that even though our parents sought to be fair in raising their children, there were differences. The simple fact that I was the oldest son in our family gave me a certain privilege when it came to opportunities to spend time with our father. Being in the middle of the family with three older siblings and three younger siblings gave me a unique perspective on the relationships of my sisters and brothers. My educational experiences were unique.

When we were much younger, there were some significant arguments between us. I remember one evening when we were talking about marriage and commitment when we locked horns as it were and argued into the wee hours, neither of us willing to concede the argument or even to just walk away from our differences. There have been other arguments over the years.

I also remember making a conscious decision that has been important in our relationship. That decision was that I did not need to convert my brother. I didn’t need to make him see things from my point of view. I didn’t need to change him. I could accept him without compromising my own values.

It is certainly true that our lives have taken different paths. From the beginning of my college years I took to the academy. I enjoyed college and thrived in the college environment. My brother struggled and his academic career had a few bumps, a few starts and stops and a few changes in direction. I have been blessed to have found a wonderful lifelong partner in my wife. We were married at a relatively young age and we have been blessed with a strong and joyful marriage. He’s had four weddings and some painful breakups along the way. I have had the joy of being close to our adult children and get to have my grandchildren in my life. He has only one daughter and she and her family live on the opposite coast of the country from him and they are able to see each other only infrequently. He has been very critical of religion and has said a few things about my career choice that lead me to believe that he doesn’t really understand my vocation.

I don’t need him to be like me. There are lots of ways in which we are alike, but there are also lots of differences.

There have been times when we have not spoken for months at a time, but I know that is about to change as I am now moving to a home that is only about a half hour’s drive from his home. We’ll be getting together more often and having more contact than we’ve had for much of our adult lives.

I think, however, that our lives have taught us some very important skills that will be important in the years to come because our nation is a bit like a couple of brothers who are very good at arguing. The divisions and arguments of the past four years have been at times bitter. There are pundits on both sides of the political divide that speak of the other side as being catastrophic for American Democracy. There have already been tempers that have flared and weapons that have been drawn.

After the election in November, regardless of the outcome, we will need the best of our skills at reconciliation. We will need to reach out to those with whom we disagree and work together for the future of our country and for the good of our democracy. The divisions have been bitter. The pain has been real. Now it is time for us all to get about the business of healing.

I find deep wisdom in the words of some of the past leaders of our nation. President Abraham Lincoln, in his second inaugural address sought to bring together a sadly divided nation. His words are carved into his monument.

“With malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow, and his orphan -- to do all which may achieve and cherish a just, and a lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations.”

Eloquent as his words are, they did not bring about instant agreement. They did not end prejudice and injustice. They did not bring to an end pain and suffering. It was not long after he delivered this address that Lincoln was assassinated. Recent experiences have taught us that some of the divisions of the Civil War are not yet fully healed and the legacy of institutional racism continues to result in injustice for some of America’s citizens.

Still his words speak of the challenge that lies before us as a nation as we learn to work together with those we have judged to be on the other side. Seeking unity in a time when division is used as a political tool is not an easy task. Too many harsh words have been spoken for us to proceed without some degree of pain and regret.

We are, however, one family - one nation under God. It is worth the effort to begin now to learn to live “with malice toward none; with charity for all; with firmness in the right, as God gives us to see the right.”

Plenty of work remains.

Copyright (c) 2020 by Ted E. Huffman. I wrote this. If you would like to share it, please direct your friends to my web site. If you'd like permission to copy, please send me an email. Thanks!