Good for a laugh

OK friends and neighbors. It is about time for a joke. I usually write fairly serious things in my journal, tending towards philosophy and theology, but let’s be honest, it is time for a bit of levity. The second Sunday of Easter is often recognized as Holy Humor Sunday. This tradition was begun by early Greek Christians. The week following Easter Sunday was observed as “days of joy and laughter” with parties and picnics to celebrate Jesus’ resurrection. The Sunday after Easter is also known as Bright Sunday and it is seen by the faithful as an opportunity to engage in celebrations of the greatest miracle in human history - the resurrection of Jesus, and also celebration of smaller resurrections that occur in the lives of church members.

I’m not planning a stand-up routine for worship tomorrow. It’s a bit of a challenge to make a string of jokes out of the Gospel story of Thomas and his slightly skeptical approach to Jesus’ resurrection. And I’m probably the wrong one to just string together jokes until the folks are sitting there with tears running down their cheeks. However, I can tell the readers of my journal one of the best jokes I’ve heard this week.

But first, a bit of actual Science. You have to go back about 49 million years, which is a stretch of our memories, so we rely on archaeologists and paleontologists and other scientists. In the last month or so, there has been quite a bit of attention to an article published in Science Magazine about a now-extinct monitor lizard called Saniwa ensidens. They’ve known about the lizard for some time. In fact the scientists who wrote the article had been studying specimens that were unearthed from an escarpment in Wyoming in 1871. Examining old fossils and other ancient remains has yielded new information with the emergence of new technologies for studying them. Researchers are using computerized tomography (CT) scans to obtain extremely detailed x-rays of fossils.

The team examining the fossils determined that the lizard had four eyes. In addition to the two standard eyes, it also had pineal and parapineal eyes on the top of its head. Imagine that! a lizard with four eyes!

Actually, I can imagine a lizard with four eyes. This is what it would look like:


There you have it. Where else can you get a 300-word buildup for a joke with a one-word punch line?

It was George Burns who came up with the formula for a good sermon: “The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.”

Asked why it is important for people to be quiet when they go into the sanctuary for worship, the child responded, “Because people are sleeping.”

A funeral service is being held in a chuch for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the women is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying the casket out. As they are walking, the husband calls out, "Watch out for the wall!"

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.
      He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
      One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"
      Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
      "What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."
      "Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
      God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."
      Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?

OK, the last one is really a lawyer joke and there are so many lawyer jokes that the world really doesn’t need another one.

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
      Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
      Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
      Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why did ya' not tell me the dog was Catholic?

Two priests die at the same time and meet St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "I'd like to get you guys in now but our computers are down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?"
      The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."
      "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
      The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will you be keeping track of us, St. Peter ?"
      "No, I told you the computer is down. There's no way we can keep track of what you are doing. This week's a freebie."
      "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."
      "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
      A week goes by, the computer is fixed and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
      "Will you have trouble locating them?" He asks.
      "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rocky Mountains, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
      "Why?" asks the Lord.
      "Because he's on a snow tire somewhere in Alaska.”

Happy Holy Humor week. May the experiences of the week bring a smile to your face.

Copyright (c) 2018 by Ted E. Huffman. I wrote this. If you would like to share it, please direct your friends to my web site. If you'd like permission to copy, please send me an email. Thanks!